IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6.5

Some people believe that governments should encourage people to use public transport instead of private cars. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

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Nowadays, traffic congestion has become an important issue in many countries around the world. Some
people
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 believe that governments should encourage individuals to use public transport
instead
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 of their own
car
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cars
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. I agree with
this
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 opinion because it develops the country’s
economy
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 and reduces pollution in the city.
To begin
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 with, one of the main reasons why I agree is that public transport helps to improve the country’s
economy
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.
This
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 is because it helps
people
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 to reduce spending on fuel and car maintenance.
This
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 allows
people
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 to save more money and spend it on other things.
As a result
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,
this
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 can increase spending at local stores and companies, which helps to develop the country’s
economy
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.
For example
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,
people
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 who use buses or trains may save money monthly
,
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apply
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 and can spend
this
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 money on stores and local restaurants.
Therefore
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,
this
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 helps local companies grow.
Moreover
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, another important reason is that using public transport helps to reduce air pollution in the cities.
This
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 is because one bus can carry many
people
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instead
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 of using a lot of cars.
This
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 means that there will be fewer cars on the road, which reduces harmful carbon emissions and preserves
people
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’s health.
For instance
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, enhancing air quality in the cities may reduce
people
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’s health problems, especially for children and older
people
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.
As a result
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,
people
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 can live in a healthier and safer environment. In conclusion, I believe that governments should encourage individuals to use buses and trains because it assists in improving the
economy
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 and decreasing air pollution.

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task response
Make your first point more direct. Saving money for people may help local shops, but the link to the whole country’s economy is not fully clear. You could say that less traffic may save public money, or that buses and trains can help people get to work more easily.
task response
Add one more clear detail to each example. For example, say how a city can make buses better, such as by adding more bus lines, lower prices, or safe bus stops. This would make your answer more complete.
task response
The question asks what governments should do. Say more about government action in both main parts, not only that people should use buses and trains. For example, governments can make public transport cheap, fast, clean, and easy to use.
coherence and cohesion
Some ideas repeat the same point. In the first main part, “save more money”, “spend it on other things”, and “increase spending” are very close. Use one clear idea, then give a stronger result.
coherence and cohesion
Make the link between sentences smoother by using a wider range of simple links, such as “because of this”, “also”, “however”, and “so”. Do not use “This is because” in the same way too often.
coherence and cohesion
In the ending, briefly bring back both main reasons and the government’s role. This will make the final message stronger and closer to the question.
task response
You give a clear view from the start and keep the same view in the whole essay. Your two main ideas are about money and air pollution, and both are linked to the question.
task response
Your examples are easy to understand. The bus and train example shows how people may save money, and the one-bus example clearly shows why there may be less pollution.
coherence and cohesion
The essay has a clear shape: an opening, two main parts, and an ending. Each main part has one key idea.
coherence and cohesion
You use clear link words, such as “To begin with”, “Moreover”, “For example”, and “In conclusion”. This helps the reader follow your ideas.
Use a variety of complex and simple sentences

You should use complex sentences in your writing, but it does not mean that you should try to make all of our sentences complex.

‘Complex’ sentences are not actually very complex; they are just two or more simple sentences put together. Putting them together makes the essay more coherent and cohesive.

Examples:

I really want to study but I’m too tired.

I wore a warm coat because the weather was cold.

If action is not taken soon on climate change, global warming will get worse.

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