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Writing Samples
Band 3.5

The costs of medical health care are increasing all the time. Governments are finding it difficult to balance the health care budget. Should citizens be totally responsible for their own health costs and take out private health insurance, or is it better to have a comprehensive health care system which provides free health services for all? Discuss your viewpoint on this issue.

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Introduction
It is a very argumentative statement
,
Punctuation problem
apply
show examples
that
Change preposition
about
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 having free
healthcare
Use synonyms
 vs private health insurance. Unfortunately,
Use synonyms
government
Correct article usage
the government
show examples
 is struggling to cope with
free
Correct article usage
a free
show examples
healthcare
Use synonyms
 system,
while
Linking Words
 the
increasing cost of treatment
Correct word order
cost of treatment is increasing
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. I will discuss my opinions on
this
Linking Words
 issue.
Body paragraph 1
It has been seen that
Use synonyms
healthcare
Correct article usage
the healthcare
show examples
 system
being
Wrong verb form
is
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 swiftly going way costly
evey
Correct your spelling
every
 passing day, and it's becoming
headache
Correct article usage
a headache
show examples
 for
Use synonyms
government
Correct article usage
the government
show examples
. Free
healthcare
Use synonyms
 comes with its own benefits and drawbacks.
For example
Linking Words
, its put less or no burden on people
while
Linking Words
 they're having big treatments like surgeries or transplants.
However
Linking Words
, having long waiting queues in hospitals
is
Verb problem
apply
show examples
also
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having
Wrong verb form
leads to
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 problems when emergencies
occurred
Wrong verb form
occur
show examples
. In my personal experience i live in
canada
Capitalize the proper name
Canada
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, and most of times i had to wait from 6 to 8 hours just to see
doctor
Correct article usage
a doctor
show examples
.
Body paragraph 2
On the other hand
Linking Words
, having private insurance is
also
Linking Words
 another option, and
mostly
Change preposition
in most
show examples
 countries practicing
this
Linking Words
 from decades and
results
Correct article usage
the results
show examples
 are not bad,
Linking Words
while
Correct word choice
especially when
show examples
 it comes to treatment. It
also
Linking Words
 mitigates the burden from
Use synonyms
government
Correct article usage
the government
show examples
, and
it
Correct determiner usage
the
show examples
 money can
spent
Verb problem
be spent
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 on infrastructure and education.
Additionally
Linking Words
,
Use synonyms
government
Correct article usage
the government
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 can use
this
Linking Words
 money for pensions for retirement.
Body paragraph 3
Having private
healthcare
Use synonyms
, people only use it when they really need it, because it's
n
Correct your spelling
not
 free
healthcare
Use synonyms
people
Punctuation problem
, people
show examples
 just want to see doctors for common problems, which they might get medicine over the counter.
Conclusion
In
nutshell
Correct article usage
a nutshell
show examples
,
i
Fix capitalization
I
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 would say, having paid medical is
good
Correct article usage
a good
show examples
 option because it make totally sense
while
Linking Words
 it
becomes
Verb problem
comes
show examples
 to budget.
Government
Use synonyms
meadicare
Correct your spelling
Medicare
 is
future
Correct article usage
a future
show examples
 agenda and needs
to
Verb problem
apply
show examples
much improvement to implement it properly.

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task response
Make your main view clear in the opening. Say at once if you think private care is better, or if you support a mix of free and paid care.
task response
Explain why private insurance would work for poor, old, and very sick people. At present, the essay says it cuts state costs, but it does not fully deal with people who cannot pay.
task response
Develop each main idea more. For free care, explain how long waits can harm sick people. For private care, explain how it may give faster help but can cost a lot.
task response
Use more exact examples. Instead of saying many countries use private insurance with good results, name one country or give a clear case.
coherence and cohesion
Use one clear idea in each paragraph. The third body paragraph repeats the idea that private care cuts state costs, so join it with the paragraph before it or add a new point.
coherence and cohesion
Make links between ideas more natural. For example: “Although free care helps people who cannot pay, it can lead to long waits. Private insurance may reduce these waits, but it can leave low-income people without help.”
coherence and cohesion
Write a fuller ending. Restate your view and give one reason, such as the need to protect poor people while also keeping costs under control.
coherence and cohesion
Avoid very short or unclear lines. For example, “it money can spent” does not clearly show who has the money or how it will be used.
task response
You give a clear view that paid health care is a better choice. You also talk about both free care and private insurance.
task response
The example about waiting many hours to see a doctor in Canada is useful and makes the point more real.
coherence and cohesion
The essay has an opening, body parts for both sides, and an ending. Words such as “For example”, “However”, “On the other hand”, and “Additionally” help the reader follow your ideas.
Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

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