IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

In many parts of the world, children and teenagers are spending more and more of their time indoors. What do you think are the causes of this problem? What measures could best be taken to solve it? Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant

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In our
century
Punctuation problem
century,
show examples
 it is common to
enjoy the
Verb problem
spend
show examples
 most of the
time
Use synonyms
 indoors rather than going outside for a walk. I suppose that
this
Linking Words
 is caused by technology and
it’s
Use the right word
its
show examples
 abilities. Because our lifestyle consists more and more
from
Change preposition
of
show examples
 internet and social media usage, people forget about the important stuff like getting enough sunlight throughout the day. First
off
Change preposition
of
show examples
 all, children and teenagers are so focused on
technologies
Check wording
technology
show examples
 that they forget about their health necessities. Staying ,
for example
Linking Words
, all summer in bed rotting and disconnecting from our life can lead to indifference over your well-being. Taking
in
Change preposition
into
show examples
 consideration my experience, resting with the phone in my hands usually increases the
time
Use synonyms
 from 5 minutes to 20.
Moreover
Linking Words
, most of our activities are indoor. Sleeping, helping the parents with the household, taking care of our younger siblings and learning
, they
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
 are all some of our daily chores that
needs
Correct subject-verb agreement
need
show examples
 to be done and
spends
Correct subject-verb agreement
take up
show examples
 a lot of
time
Use synonyms
.
For instance
Linking Words
, my summer days are made from
this
Linking Words
 type of tasks
and
Punctuation problem
, and
show examples
 when it comes to going outside, whether I am exhausted or it is already dark outside.
In contrast
Linking Words
, there are a great number of measures and solutions that could be taken in order to solve
this
Linking Words
 problem.
Firstly
Linking Words
, replacing
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
phone scrolling with developing
your
Correct determiner usage
a
show examples
 hobby can have excellent advantages talking about brain functions.
Also
Linking Words
, sunbathing outside for 30 minutes a day can significantly increase the vitamin D absorption
leading
Punctuation problem
, leading
show examples
 to
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
better eyesight and skin elasticity
due to
Linking Words
 collagen secretion.
Finally
Linking Words
, making a routine can help in that case if you have a lot of work to do.
For example
Linking Words
, go for a walk in the morning and evening when
sun
Correct article usage
the sun
show examples
 is not so bright and dangerous.
To conclude
Linking Words
, spending more
time
Use synonyms
 outdoors
it
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
is not so hard when you learn how to manage your
time
Use synonyms
 more effectively.

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task response
Explain the causes more fully. Technology is a good cause, but add one or two more, such as unsafe streets, too much school work, or a lack of parks and sports areas.
task response
Make the solutions more direct and practical. Say who should act: parents can set phone limits, schools can give more outside games, and local groups can make safe parks.
task response
Some points need clearer support. For example, you say that sunbathing helps eyesight and skin. This is not well explained and may not always be true. Focus on safer, clearer points, such as fresh air, exercise, and time with friends.
coherence and cohesion
Use one main idea in each paragraph. The second body paragraph has many indoor tasks, but it would be clearer if you first name the cause, then explain it, and then give one example.
coherence and cohesion
Avoid using “In contrast” before your solutions paragraph. There is no strong opposite idea before it. Use “To solve this problem” or “There are several ways to help” instead.
coherence and cohesion
Make your links between ideas smoother. For example: “As a result, they may have less time and less energy to go outside.” This clearly joins household work with staying indoors.
coherence and cohesion
Your conclusion is clear, but it could mention both key causes and key solutions in one short final statement.
task response
You answer both parts of the task: you give causes and you suggest ways to help. Your main idea about phone and social media use is clear.
task response
You use personal examples, such as time spent on a phone and your summer day. These make your ideas feel real.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear start, main body paragraphs, and an ending. Words such as “Moreover”, “Firstly”, “Also”, and “Finally” help the reader follow your points.
coherence and cohesion
The last paragraph brings your main message together: better time use can help children spend more time outside.
Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

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