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Writing Samples
Band 5

Some people argue that in the future, teachers will be displaced by the growth of computers. How far do you agree or disagree?

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It is increasingly common nowadays that technology is replacing a large proportion of jobs. Some individuals believe that in the upcoming
decades
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decades,
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 educators will be replaced by computers. From my perspective, I firmly disagree with the given statement.
Initially
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,
teachers
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 use advanced methods to deliver information to learners,
whereas
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 computers only provide information with no teaching techniques, which is impractical for modern education.
In addition
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,
human's
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humans'
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 soft skills,
such
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 as eye contact and presentation,
makes
Correct subject-verb agreement
make
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 learning more beneficial and enjoyable simultaneously; it
also
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 enhances the student's communication and critical thinking skills. A clear example of
this
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 can be seen in the attorneys of technological institutions; they lack of self confidence and discussion initiative,
whereas
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 regular high school graduates
are excelled
Wrong verb form
excel
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 in doing speeches and they do not face hesitation or fear when talking with the school's executives and board management.
Furthermore
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, manipulation and chaos may occur when
teachers
Use synonyms
 are displaced.
This
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 is largely because students are not afraid to talk to each other during class
due to
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 the
absense
Correct your spelling
absence
 of a physical educator.
Moreover
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,
teachers
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 provide valuable lessons and mentorship to learners that will benefit them in their upcoming lives; a computer is only instructed to teach students theoretical information.
For instance
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, some educators teach students how to pick a suitable major
that
Correct word choice
so that
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 they
could
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can
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 become creative
while
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 doing it. In conclusion, despite people holding a variety of diverse points of view, I firmly hold the opinion that computers cannot replace
teachers
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, because they do not have physical and communication skills.

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task response
Make each main point more fully shown. Explain exactly why a computer cannot teach speaking, group work, or life skills as well as a teacher can.
task response
Use examples that are clear and easy to believe. The example about “attorneys of technological institutions” is hard to understand and does not clearly prove your point. A school class example would work better.
task response
Stay close to the main question. You can say that computers can help teachers, but they cannot fully take their place. This makes your answer more complete.
task response
Be careful with very broad claims, such as students in technology schools lacking self-confidence. These claims need strong proof and may not be true for all students.
coherence and cohesion
Keep one clear idea in each paragraph. In the first main part, move from teaching methods to soft skills in a smoother way, with a clear link between them.
coherence and cohesion
Use linking words more naturally. Do not only add “In addition” or “Moreover”; also show cause and result, for example: “As a result” or “For this reason.”
coherence and cohesion
Make the example link back to the main point. After each example, add one short line that says how it shows that teachers are still needed.
coherence and cohesion
Use clear words when you refer to people. For example, say “students” or “teachers” instead of unclear words such as “they” when the meaning may be lost.
task response
You give a clear view from the start and keep the same view to the end: computers should not take the place of teachers.
task response
You give two main reasons: teachers help with speaking and social skills, and they keep order and give life advice.
coherence and cohesion
The essay has a clear shape: an opening, two main parts, and an ending.
coherence and cohesion
Words such as “Initially”, “Furthermore”, and “In conclusion” help the reader follow your ideas.
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