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Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Some people believe that the experiences children have before they go to school will have the greatest effect on their future life. Others argue that experiences gained when they are teenagers have a bigger influence. Discuss both views and give your option.

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Nowadays, a
lot
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 of people think that the experiences children have before they go to
school
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 will have the biggest effect on their
future
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life
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. Others argue that experiences gained when they are
teenagers
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 have a greater influence.
This
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 essay will discuss both views and give my opinion. On the one hand, children who start learning new languages, skills and new things will become more intellegent rather than
teennagers
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teenagers
 who did not
study
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 when they were young
, the
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. The
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 reason
of
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for
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this
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 is
,
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that
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 young
childrens brain
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children's brains
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 work more effectively and can gain a
lot
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 of information and
also
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 remember it for years. So that’s why, when
this
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 kind of child starts
school
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 will not face some challenges
and
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, and
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 they will be smarter.
For instance
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,
in
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apply
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these days a
lot
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 of parents
started
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have started
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 to give their children to various types of courses when they are young
and
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, and
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 their brain is fresh, and when it comes to
start
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starting
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school
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school,
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 these kids did not face
some
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any
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 challenges at
school
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 and learned everything effectively.
On the other hand
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, teenage years are
also
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 the most crucial moments in childs
life
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.
Teenagers
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 will start to be more independent, free, and full of energy
, they
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. They
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 will start to make important decisions, think about their
future
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 career and
study
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 because
,
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apply
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 it is essential for them to build a strong
future
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 and
for
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to
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 build it, they should
study
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 hard. If they start to
study
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 and learn new languages, they will become a successful person in their
future
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life
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, but learning a new language may be quite difficult for them as they did not
study
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 when they were young.
For example
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, there are a
lot
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 of
teenagers
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 who did not
stuedy
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study
 when they were a kid and faced a
lot
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 of difficulties
over
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in
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 their
school
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life
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, but
then
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 they realised that they had to
study
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, and after
that
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that,
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 a
lot
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 of people
becamed
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became
 successful and happy. In conclusion, both are really important
,
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;
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 if they start to learn
while
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 they are
a
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apply
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kids, it is even better.
Although
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,
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apply
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 there are a
lot
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 of
teenagers
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 who did not
study
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 when they were a kid but are even
a
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apply
show examples
clever, intellegent and prosperous people.

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task response
Make your own view stronger. In the end, say clearly which time has the greater effect and why. For example, you could say that early years have the greater effect because they build the base for later learning.
task response
Develop each main idea more. Explain how early experiences affect a child’s future, such as health, feelings, family life, and how they learn, not only languages and school work.
task response
Your teenage paragraph should focus more on experiences, not only on studying. You can add friends, school choices, work, and big life decisions as teenage experiences.
task response
Use more careful examples. Instead of saying many people became successful and happy, explain one clear possible case and show how it supports your point.
coherence and cohesion
Keep one main idea in each paragraph. In the first body part, focus on early childhood. In the second, focus on teenage years. This will make your message more direct.
coherence and cohesion
Some sentences are too long and join many ideas with commas. Break them into shorter sentences. This will make the links between ideas easier to understand.
coherence and cohesion
Use clear linking words with care, such as 'First', 'Also', 'However', 'For example', and 'As a result'. Do not use 'So that’s why' after a long sentence; write 'As a result' instead.
coherence and cohesion
Avoid repeating the same point about learning languages and studying. Add new support in each part so that the essay moves forward.
task response
You discuss both sides and make your own view clear: early learning is very helpful, but teenage years can also change a person's life.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear start, two main body parts, and an end. The order is easy to follow.
task response
You use examples about young children going to classes and teenagers who later work hard. These examples are linked to your main ideas.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • experiences
  • influence
  • future
  • development
  • childhood
  • teenagers
  • independence
  • emotional
  • skills
  • relationships
  • decisions
  • identity
  • growth
  • interactions
  • foundation
  • pathway
  • importance
  • education
  • social
  • complex
  • part-time jobs
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