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Writing Samples
Band 6.5

Family members and friends caring for elderly people find it hard to spend enough time looking after them. What are the causes of this problem? What solutions can you suggest?

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Introduction
Nowadays, it is seen that youngsters do not have sufficient
time
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 to spend with their aged parents and to take care of them. There are many reasons, and there are
also
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 some solutions for
this
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.
Both
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 the causes and solutions are discussed
further
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 in the ensuing paragraphs.
Body paragraph 1
The foremost reason for
this
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 problem is the busy
work
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 schedule of the individuals. Nowadays ,
due to
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 the high rate of expense people have to do a double job. There are many people who are not able to fulfil the basic needs of family members with only one job. To add to
this
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,
both
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 husband and wife
work
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. So they
also
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 do not get enough
time
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 to spend with each other. Sometimes it happens that
due to
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 a busy schedule, they feel tired. All these things become a huddle for them to spend
time
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 with the elderly.
Body paragraph 2
One of the solutions for
this
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 problem is that the
work
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 can be divided between
both
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husband
Correct article usage
the husband
show examples
 and the wife. The
work
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 should be done by
both
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 of them. It should not be something only wives have to do, or only husbands have to do.
Also
Linking Words
, there can be a rule in the house that once a day, everyone sits together for a meal. They can spend holidays with family members.
For example
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, on the day of Sunday, they can go for an outing. They can all play indoor games with each other.
Conclusion
To sum up
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, it can be said that every problem has a solution. So if ,
due to
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 busy
work
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 conditions, they cannot spend
time
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 with each other, there are many alternatives for the same. So one just needs positive thinking to find some
time
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 for aged people.

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task response
Make the causes more fully about care for old people. Explain that long work hours, travel time, and child care leave less time for visits, meals, health needs, and daily help.
task response
Give stronger solutions. Sharing house work helps, but it does not always solve the lack of time. Add help from care workers, day care homes, flexible work hours, or money help from the state.
task response
Develop each main idea with a clear reason and result. For example: when both parents work long hours, they may come home tired, so an old parent may not get help with food, medicine, or trips to the doctor.
task response
Avoid very broad lines such as “every problem has a solution” and “positive thinking”. Use direct ideas that answer the question.
coherence and cohesion
Use a clearer plan in each body part: state one main idea, explain it, then give one example. At times, several ideas are put together without enough detail.
coherence and cohesion
Use linking words only when they show a clear link. You can use “because”, “therefore”, “as a result”, “however”, and “for example” to show cause, result, and contrast.
coherence and cohesion
Keep the same words for key people. The question is about family members and friends, but your essay mostly says “youngsters”, “husband and wife”, and “they”. Say clearly who “they” are.
coherence and cohesion
Make the ending shorter and more direct. Restate the main cause and the best solutions instead of adding new general ideas.
task response
You answer both parts of the question. You give causes, such as long work hours and high costs, and you give ways to help, such as sharing work and having family time.
task response
Your ideas stay on the main topic. The example of eating together and going out on Sunday is clear and easy to understand.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear start, two main body parts, and an ending. This makes it easy to follow.
coherence and cohesion
You use some linking words, such as “To add to this”, “Also”, “For example”, and “To sum up”.
Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • demanding work schedules
  • flexible working hours
  • remote work options
  • geographical distance
  • frequent communication
  • relocation
  • adequate care
  • training programs
  • workshops
  • financial constraints
  • financial assistance programs
  • tax benefits
  • emotional and physical stress
  • support groups
  • respite care services
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