IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5.5

RM4. Many manufactured food and drink products contain high levels of sugar, which causes many health problems. Sugary products should be made more expensive to encourage people to consume less sugar. Do you agree or disagree?

✍️ Want to check your own essay?Write on this topic →
Introduction
There are numerous manufactured
products
Use synonyms
 of food and beverage which lead to various physical problems, as they contain a high amount of
sugar
Use synonyms
. Many
public
Check wording
people
show examples
 think that these goods should be made more costly so that individuals take less
sugar
Use synonyms
. I certainly disagree with that opinion
,
Punctuation problem
;
show examples
 I think raising awareness is necessary rather than increasing the price of the goods.
Body paragraph 1
To begin
Linking Words
 with, a sufficient amount of
sugar
Use synonyms
 is necessary for every human body.
As a result
Linking Words
, apart from increasing price, raising awareness is essential for decreasing the consumption of high-
sugar
Use synonyms
products
Use synonyms
.
For example
Linking Words
, it is significant to provide a clear message to consumers about how much
sugar
Use synonyms
 is needed for every human body based on scientific evidence.
This
Linking Words
 will enable people to consume the right amount of sugary
products
Use synonyms
 , which will help them to keep their bodies fit.
Body paragraph 2
Moreover
Linking Words
, increasing prices will be troublesome for those people whose earning is not enough to support their families.
For instance
Linking Words
, if they spend a great deal of money to buy these high-
sugar
Use synonyms
 goods, they will not be able to keep money to buy other necessary things for their families.
In addition
Linking Words
, if the government make some rules and regulations for the manufacturers, how much maximum
sugar
Use synonyms
 that can be given in the manufactured
products
Use synonyms
, it will be able to keep the
products
Use synonyms
 healthy rather than increasing the price.
Conclusion
In conclusion, for the control of
sugar
Use synonyms
 consumption by the citizens of a country, it is necessary to raise awareness and implement some policies.
Thus
Linking Words
, it is possible to keep
family
Correct article usage
the family
show examples
 healthy, I think.

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site's author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task response
Explain more clearly why making sugary goods cost more would not lower sugar use. The point about low-income families is not fully clear, because if the goods cost more, they may simply buy less. Say what may happen instead, for example, people may buy cheaper unhealthy food or feel that the rule is unfair.
task response
Make your first main point more exact. You say that sugar is needed by every body, but the question is about products with high levels of sugar. Explain that people need some sugar, while too much added sugar is the real health risk.
task response
Develop each idea with one more step. For example, say how school lessons, clear labels, or ads can help people choose less sugar. For rules for makers, say that limits on added sugar can make many foods healthier for all buyers.
task response
Use a more direct final view. Instead of “I think”, state that public learning and rules for makers are better than higher prices. This will make your answer sound more firm.
coherence and cohesion
Keep each body part focused on one clear idea. The first body part starts with the need for sugar, then moves to public learning. Start directly with public learning, and then explain the right amount of sugar.
coherence and cohesion
Make links between sentences more natural. For example: “Rather than raise prices, the government should give clear health information. As a result, people can make better food choices.”
coherence and cohesion
Some sentences are hard to follow because they are too long or not fully formed. For example, change “if the government make some rules and regulations for the manufacturers, how much maximum sugar that can be given...” to “The government could set a maximum amount of added sugar for makers to use.”
coherence and cohesion
Avoid repeating “increasing the price” many times. You can also use “higher prices”, “a sugar tax”, or “this plan” when the meaning is clear.
task response
You give a clear view from the start: you do not agree that higher prices are the best answer. You also give two main ideas: teach people about sugar and set rules for food makers.
task response
Your examples are linked to your main points, such as clear messages about how much sugar people need and rules on the most sugar allowed.
coherence and cohesion
The essay has a clear shape: an introduction, two main body parts, and an ending. Words such as “To begin with”, “Moreover”, “For instance”, and “In conclusion” help the reader follow your ideas.
What to do next:
Look at other essays: