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Writing Samples
Band 4

Do you agree or disagree with the following statements? Games are as important for adults as they are for children. Use specific reasons and examples to support your answer.

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Introduction
It is widely believed that
games
Use synonyms
 are one of the most effective
ice breakers
Correct your spelling
icebreakers
 that people use to relax. Some organisers believe that
games
Use synonyms
 are uncommon because they are aimed at mature people who may not want to play
games
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.
However
Linking Words
, other argue believe that
games
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 are intended only for
children
Use synonyms
. For several reasons, which will be discussed below, I strongly believe that
games
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 can enliven
children
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 when they feel bored.
Body paragraph 1
First of all, we all know that excessive gaming wastes valuable time and can distract people from achieving their goals in life.
Therefore
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, when
children
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 play
games
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 excessively, they may neglect their responsibilities
instead
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 of focusing on their studies.
Moreover
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, excessive gaming can cause students to get lower grades, which may affect their chances of being promoted
next
Change preposition
to the next
show examples
 grade at school.
For example
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, employees may lose their jobs if they play
games
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 during meetings with their managers
instead
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 of paying attention to important discussions. They should spare enough time for their work.
Body paragraph 2
Secondly
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, it is generally admitted that all kinds of
games
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 are designed only for entertainment.
Accordingly
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,
such
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adults
Use synonyms
 who play these
games
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 will focus only on joyfulness and trivial things.
Additionally
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, they will pay no attention nor take care of what is important or useful for them.
Hence
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, those
adults
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, in future, will be without aims or goals to achieve and their interests will be
lightened
Verb problem
limited
show examples
 only
on
Change preposition
to
show examples
 these trivial things.
Body paragraph 3
On the other hand
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,
children
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 are allowed to play these
games
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 because they have no responsibility to overtake or ambition to reach.
Additionally
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,
children
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 are not blamed when they play
games
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 since these
games
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 are the only
thing
Fix the agreement mistake
things
show examples
children
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 can do.
Also
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,
instead
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 of wasting their
times
Check wording
time
show examples
 with bad friends,
children
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 had better enjoy and spend their
times
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time
show examples
 on
games
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. Speaking Partner Finder
Conclusion
To sum up
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,
games
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 should only be attributed to
children
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. Unlike
children
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,
adults
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 have responsibilities to take many responsibilities and set goals to go ahead. No matter how difficult
this
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 opinion would be for the
adults
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,
yet
Correct word choice
apply
show examples
they will know and realise
this
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 notion in their future. Applying the above,
adults
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 will be with a good mentality and will positively contribute to the growth of their communities.

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task response
Answer the full question more directly. The question asks if games are as important for adults as for children. Your essay mostly says that adults should not play games, but it does not fully explain why games may be less important for adults.
task response
Do not treat all games as the same. Some games can help adults relax, meet other people, learn skills, or stay active. You can still disagree, but you should show why these good points are not as strong as the bad points.
task response
Your first body part is mainly about playing too much, not about games themselves. Make it clear that too much of any activity can be bad. Then explain why adults need to limit games more than children.
task response
Use examples that fit each main point. The worker in a meeting is useful, but add an example of an adult who uses a game in a good way, then explain why work or family time should come first.
task response
Avoid ideas that are too strong, such as “games are designed only for entertainment” and “children have no responsibility”. These are not always true. Use words like “many”, “some”, or “in most cases”.
coherence and cohesion
Make each main point support your view in a clear way. In the second body part, explain how playing games can take time from adult duties, rather than saying adults will have no aims in life.
coherence and cohesion
Some links between ideas are not clear. For example, the move from children playing games to “bad friends” needs more explanation. Say how games at home may be a safer use of free time for some children.
coherence and cohesion
Do not use “On the other hand” for a point that still supports the same side. Use “In contrast” when you compare adults and children, or start a new paragraph without this phrase.
coherence and cohesion
Keep the ending close to your main ideas. The last line about community growth is new and is not explained in the body. End by restating your view and your two best reasons.
coherence and cohesion
Remove “Speaking Partner Finder” because it is not part of the essay and breaks the flow.
task response
You make your view clear: you think games should mainly be for children. You also give two main reasons for this view.
task response
You use an example about workers playing games in meetings. This shows an attempt to explain how too much gaming can harm work.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear start, main body parts, and an ending. Words such as “First of all”, “Secondly”, and “To sum up” help the reader follow your ideas.
coherence and cohesion
Most paragraphs have one main point, so the overall order is easy to see.
Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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