IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Topic: When choosing a job, the salary is the most important consideration. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

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Introduction
It is widely believed that
,
Punctuation problem
apply
show examples
salary
Use synonyms
 plays a vital role when someone chooses a
job
Use synonyms
. I completely agree with
this
Linking Words
 view that
salary
Use synonyms
 is the most significant issue when choosing a
job
Use synonyms
 because mental satisfaction and family needs are highly relevant to
income
Use synonyms
.
Body paragraph 1
One of the main reason that
,
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 mental satisfaction, which is a major issue in any kind of
job
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. Because
,
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apply
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 to maintain responsibility, any corporate company needs a refreshed mind. A good
income
Use synonyms
 not only encourage to do more work but
also
Linking Words
 reduces stress.
In addition
Linking Words
, Low
salary
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 can lead to depression
in mind
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apply
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.
For instance
Linking Words
, an employee is doing a
job
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 in a feed company where he needs to go field to distribute products,
whereas
Linking Words
 he is to spend money with the dealer and the farmer. Sometimes he
use
Correct subject-verb agreement
uses
show examples
 money from his personal
income
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. So if he dont get enough
salary
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 from
this
Linking Words
job
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 it will not be able to give mental happiness.
Body paragraph 2
Another important factor is that
,
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 low
income
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 poses a serious threat to meet family needs. Every family stand onthe earnings of
ahandsome
Correct your spelling
a handsome
salary
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 earner.
By contrast
Linking Words
, a good family can go down
due to
Linking Words
income
Use synonyms
 issue which decrese self respect in a social area. As evidence, two months ago, the Daily Star, a popular English newspaper of Bangladesh, mentioned a story 80% govt employee could'nt meet their family's demands perfectly.
Moreover
Linking Words
, can just fill up their basic needs
,
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;
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however
Linking Words
, it is impossible to start a new business or create a new home by utilising
this
Linking Words
salary
Use synonyms
.
Conclusion
In conclusion,
salary
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 has a great impact on any
job
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 holder to keep their mental happiness and to fulfil all their significant family need. The government should take effective measures to assist them by providing any kind of additional support or
loan
Correct article usage
a loan
show examples
.

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task response
Explain more clearly why pay is more important than other parts of a job, such as interest in the work, work hours, job safety, or a good boss. This will make your full agreement stronger.
task response
Keep each example simple and easy to understand. In the first example, explain in a direct way that the worker must use his own money for work costs, so low pay causes stress.
task response
The last sentence about government loans is not closely linked to the question. End by restating why pay matters most when people choose a job.
coherence and cohesion
Use clearer topic sentences. For example: “First, a good salary can reduce stress.” Then give one reason and one example in that paragraph.
coherence and cohesion
Some links do not fit the meaning. Do not use “By contrast” when you are adding another bad result of low pay. Use “Also” or “As a result” instead.
coherence and cohesion
Avoid very long sentences with many ideas. Split them into shorter sentences so the link between the idea and the example is clear.
coherence and cohesion
Check basic word order and missing words, as these can make the flow hard to follow. For example, write “Every family depends on the income of a person with a good salary.”
task response
You give a clear view from the start: pay is the most important part of choosing a job. You give two main reasons: peace of mind and family needs.
task response
Your work example and the example about family costs try to show how low pay can cause real problems.
coherence and cohesion
The essay has a clear start, two main body parts, and an ending. Words such as “For instance”, “In addition”, “By contrast”, and “Moreover” help the reader follow your ideas.
Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • pay
  • salary
  • job
  • work
  • money
  • need
  • rule
  • life
  • time
  • home
  • family
  • health
  • stress
  • hours
  • learn
  • grow
  • team
  • boss
  • coworker
  • opportunity
  • risk
  • choice
  • balance
  • security
  • future
  • decision
  • reason
  • example
  • evidence
  • opinion
  • agree
  • disagree
  • therefore
  • but
  • however
  • so
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