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Writing Samples
Band 6

In the past, when students did a university degree, they tended to study in their own country. Nowadays, they have more opportunity to study abroad. What are the advantages and disadvantages of this development?

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Introduction
In the modern era, many
students
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 are leaving their own country for their higher education, but they preferred to study in their home
countries
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 earlier. In
this
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 essay, I am going to discuss the pros and cons of
this
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 change.
Body paragraph 1
On the one hand, studying in foreign
countries
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 can help
students
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 to learn in a more competitive environment, provide better job opportunities, learn new cultures and tactics to survive alone without any relatives.
For example
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, there has been a trend among indian
students
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 to study in developed nations like Canada and the USA. A survey of
times
Capitalize the proper name
Times
show examples
 of India revealed that the Folks who prefer these
countries
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 are earning more, getting more business knowledge and understanding more about how to survive in critical situations.
Furthermore
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, some people have
also
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 mentioned that these
countries
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 offered them
the
Correct article usage
a
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 particular course which was not an option back home.
Body paragraph 2
On the other hand
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, people who stayed back to complete their
last
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 degrees got more facilities
while
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 staying with their families , which these immigrants miss a lot. Dealing with all things on their own , like paying rent, doing house chores, and managing studies with work, can put extra pressure on individuals. Some folks can not handle
this
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, resulting in them stopping their studies halfway or going into depression. For instance, we see many cases of suicides of
students
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 who went to study in other nations but did not get part time job to manage their day to day expances.
Conclusion
In a nutshell, the advantages of pursuing education in other
countries
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 outweigh the disadvantages. Not only do the enrolled ones get the latest technological knowledge, but
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also they
Correct word order
they also
show examples
 learn many contemporary things which they can not learn in their home
countries
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.

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task response
Make the main point in each body part more direct. In the first body part, separate the good sides into two clear ideas: better study and work chances; then personal growth and new culture. Explain each idea with one or two full sentences.
task response
Give more care to the bad sides. You mention stress, money, and being away from family, but explain how these can hurt study results and daily life. This will make the two sides more even.
task response
Be careful with very strong claims, such as students ending their lives. If you use this point, explain it in a calm and clear way, or use a less strong example such as stress, low mood, or leaving a course.
task response
Your ending says the good sides are greater, which is fine. Add a short reason for this view, such as saying that the long-term gains in study and work can be worth the short-term hard times.
coherence and cohesion
Some sentences hold too many ideas. Break them into shorter sentences so each idea is clear. For example, the first sentence in the first body part can become two or three sentences.
coherence and cohesion
Keep the same words for the same group. You use “students”, “people”, “folks”, “immigrants”, and “enrolled ones”. Use “students” most of the time, because they are people who go abroad to study, not always immigrants.
coherence and cohesion
Make the link from one sentence to the next smoother. After the example about Canada and the USA, clearly say how it proves the point about better chances in work and study.
coherence and cohesion
Check small word and space errors because they can slow the reader down. For example: “Indian”, “The Times of India”, “cannot”, “part-time job”, “day-to-day expenses”, and no space before a comma.
task response
You answer both parts of the question. You give clear good points, such as better work chances, new culture, and the hard parts of living alone.
task response
Your examples are linked to your main ideas. The points about jobs, study courses, rent, and home work help make your answer more real.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear start, two main body parts, and an ending. The order is easy to follow.
coherence and cohesion
You use links such as “On the one hand”, “On the other hand”, “Furthermore”, and “For instance” well. These help the reader move through your ideas.
Use a variety of complex and simple sentences

You should use complex sentences in your writing, but it does not mean that you should try to make all of our sentences complex.

‘Complex’ sentences are not actually very complex; they are just two or more simple sentences put together. Putting them together makes the essay more coherent and cohesive.

Examples:

I really want to study but I’m too tired.

I wore a warm coat because the weather was cold.

If action is not taken soon on climate change, global warming will get worse.

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • cultural awareness
  • adaptability
  • academic opportunities
  • specialized programs
  • prestigious courses
  • language proficiency
  • professional network
  • globalized job market
  • personal development
  • independence
  • life skills
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