IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Some people say that experiences a child has before starting schools have the most influence on their future life. Others say that experience as teenagers, especially at school, are more influential. Discuss both views and give your opinion.

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Introduction
There is no doubt that the
experiences
Use synonyms
 which individuals have,
no matter if it were
Correct word choice
whether
show examples
 good or
bad
Punctuation problem
bad,
show examples
 have
Use synonyms
influence
Correct article usage
an influence
show examples
 on their future
lives
Use synonyms
.
Although
Linking Words
,
Punctuation problem
apply
show examples
 some
people
Use synonyms
 believe that teenagers may suffer from these
experiences
Use synonyms
 more than toddlers because they seek validation at
this
Linking Words
 age. I agree with the other view that children are more
influential
Replace the word
influenced
 by negative
experiences
Use synonyms
 because they are still in their initial
stage
Use synonyms
 of
bulding
Correct your spelling
building
 their characters.
Body paragraph 1
On one hand, many
people
Use synonyms
 believe that young individuals
are
Verb problem
apply
show examples
seek validation
especially
Punctuation problem
, especially
show examples
 among their peers. For
insatance
Correct your spelling
instance
, when teenagers leave their
houses
Punctuation problem
houses,
show examples
 their minds
were
Wrong verb form
are
show examples
 filled with thoughts and ideas which they
already
Verb problem
have already
show examples
took it
Wrong verb form
taken
show examples
 from
there
Use the right word
their
show examples
experiences
Use synonyms
sins
Change preposition
in
show examples
 their childhood, so when they
started
Wrong verb form
start
show examples
 to communicate with others
especially
Punctuation problem
, especially
show examples
 at
school
Punctuation problem
school,
show examples
 they want to feel accepted and validated
, if
Punctuation problem
. If
show examples
 they feel they
were
Wrong verb form
are
show examples
rejected
Punctuation problem
rejected,
show examples
this
Linking Words
 may lead them to low self-esteem
which
Punctuation problem
, which
show examples
 for sure has
negative
Correct article usage
a negative
show examples
influence
Use synonyms
 on their future
lives
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.
For example
Linking Words
, many teenagers took their own
lives
Use synonyms
 just because they
fell
Verb problem
felt
show examples
 excluded from their peers.
Body paragraph 2
On the other hand
Linking Words
, others believe that children before starting school are in a very significant and
dangoures
Correct your spelling
dangerous
stage
Use synonyms
. Because their brains
still
Verb problem
are still
show examples
 in the initial
stage
Use synonyms
 in which the brain collects these
experiences
Use synonyms
 as an input
which
Punctuation problem
, which
show examples
build
Correct subject-verb agreement
builds
show examples
this
Linking Words
child
Check wording
child's
show examples
 character for the rest of his life.
For example
Linking Words
, many
adults
Replace the word
adult
people
Use synonyms
 still
having
Wrong verb form
have
show examples
 mental problems because the deal with hard
experiences
Use synonyms
 when they were in
nursary
Correct your spelling
nursery
. I agree with
this
Linking Words
 view because if the
child personality builds in a
Correct word order
child's personality is built on
show examples
 negative input,
this
Linking Words
 will
influence
Use synonyms
 the rest of his life.
Conclusion
In conclusion, regardless
that
Change preposition
of the fact that
show examples
 the teenage years are
hard
Correct article usage
a hard
show examples
stage
Use synonyms
 in many
Use synonyms
people
Check wording
people's
show examples
lives
Use synonyms
, I believe that individuals
take
Verb problem
have
show examples
 a great amount of
influence
Use synonyms
 during the first years of their
lives
Use synonyms
.

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task response
Explain both views more fully. In the first main paragraph, show why teen years may have a strong effect, not only why rejection is bad. You could add that teens make close friends, choose future plans, and spend much time at school.
task response
Make your own view more exact. Say why early years can matter more than teen years, for example because children first learn trust, safety, and how to deal with other people at home.
task response
Use examples with more detail. Instead of saying that many teens take their own lives, use a safer and more direct example: a teen who is left out at school may become less sure of themselves and avoid social events later.
task response
Some ideas are too broad. For example, early events do not always shape a person for the rest of life. Say that they can have a long effect, but later support and good school events can also help.
coherence and cohesion
Keep one main point in each paragraph. The first paragraph should focus on why school and teen life matter. The second should focus on why early childhood matters. Then give one clear example for each point.
coherence and cohesion
Make the link between sentences clearer. For example: “This is because teenagers care strongly about the views of their friends. As a result, rejection at school can harm their self-belief.”
coherence and cohesion
Your introduction could be more direct. State both views first, then give your view in one short sentence. Avoid starting with a very general sentence about all good and bad events.
coherence and cohesion
The conclusion should sum up both sides before restating your view. For example: “Teenage school life can shape confidence and future choices. However, I believe that early childhood has a deeper effect because it is when basic character first grows.”
task response
You discuss both views and clearly state your own view. Your main idea is clear: early childhood can have a strong effect on later life.
task response
You use examples in both body paragraphs, such as rejection at school and hard events in nursery.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear shape: an introduction, two main paragraphs, and a conclusion.
coherence and cohesion
You use clear paragraph links such as “On one hand”, “On the other hand”, and “In conclusion”.
Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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