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Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Some people say that now we can see films on our phones or tablets there is no need to go to the cinema. Others say that to be fully enjoyed, films need to be seen in a cinema. Discuss both views and give your own opinion.

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Introduction
In
this
Linking Words
 contemporary era, having enjoyment and leisure
time
Use synonyms
 is quite crucial for everyone
due to
Linking Words
 hectic schedules.
People
Use synonyms
 have different views regarding watching
movies
Use synonyms
 on technical gadgets,
such
Linking Words
 as
phone
Correct article usage
a phone
show examples
 and tablet or going to the cinema. I believe that watching
films
Use synonyms
 in the movie
theater
Change the spelling
theatre
show examples
 is an appropriate option for individuals.
Body paragraph 1
On the one hand, why
a
Verb problem
does a
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section of society
believes
Wrong verb form
believe
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 that
movies
Use synonyms
 can be seen at
homes
Check wording
home
show examples
 rather than visiting the cinemas
.
Change the punctuation
?
show examples
 The main reason is
advancement
Correct article usage
the advancement
show examples
 in technology. To explain it, technical gadgets have high-tech features
which
Punctuation problem
, which
show examples
also
Linking Words
 include HD
films
Use synonyms
.
As a result
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, it encourages
people
Use synonyms
 to watch
movies
Use synonyms
 at home. Another reason is that
people
Use synonyms
 prefer to choose
this
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 because it not only saves
time
Use synonyms
 traveling
time
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 but
also
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cost
Check wording
costs
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 of tickets.
Example
Correct article usage
An example
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 can be seen in developing nations like India, where a large number of
people
Use synonyms
 following a same strategy in order to save
time
Use synonyms
 and expenses.
Body paragraph 2
On the other
side
Check wording
hand
show examples
,
why
Rephrase
apply
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I assert that
people
Use synonyms
 should go to the cinema
for watching
Wrong verb form
to watch
show examples
movies
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. An obvious one is that money
save
Wrong verb form
saved
show examples
,
time
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 having a busy schedule. To make it
more clear
Replace the word
clearer
, everyone is running a rat race in order to earn more money and achieve success in their life.
Due to
Linking Words
this
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, they do not spend enough
time
Use synonyms
 with their families and friends.
That is
Linking Words
 why if they choose
movie
Correct article usage
a movie
show examples
 theatre to watch
films
Use synonyms
, it will
a
Verb problem
be a
show examples
better option to spend
time
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 and share ideas with each other.
Apart from
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this
Linking Words
, visiting
movie
Correct article usage
a movie
show examples
 theatre can
also
Linking Words
 be helpful to make
people
Use synonyms
 more
socialize
Replace the word
socialised
 because they will interact with a number of individuals who are from different
culture
Fix the agreement mistake
cultures
show examples
, profession and
country
Fix the agreement mistake
countries
show examples
.
Consequently
Linking Words
, they can broaden their horizons of knowledge by communicating with them.
Conclusion
It is sensible
to conclude
Linking Words
 that
although
Linking Words
 watching
films
Use synonyms
 on phones and tablets is a good idea in order to get benefits from technology
as well as
Linking Words
 save
time
Use synonyms
 and money, I believe that visiting the cinema has more benefits for
people
Use synonyms
, including having
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
fun with families or friends and
interact
Wrong verb form
interacting
show examples
 with others.

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task response
Make the cinema side more direct. The first reason in that part says “money save, time”, but saving money and time supports watching at home, not going to the cinema.
task response
Give stronger cinema reasons, for example the large screen, better sound, a shared feeling, and fewer home distractions. Explain each reason with one clear result.
task response
The India example is too general. Say what people do and why, or use a more clear example from daily life.
task response
Keep your main view the same from start to end. Your view is clear, but the reasons in the middle should support it more fully.
coherence and cohesion
Start each body part with a full topic sentence. For example: “Watching at home is useful because it is cheaper and more flexible.”
coherence and cohesion
Avoid sentence parts that are not complete, such as “An obvious one is that money save, time having a busy schedule.” Write one clear full sentence instead.
coherence and cohesion
Use linking words carefully. “On the other side” can be changed to “On the other hand.” Also, do not use too many links when the idea itself is unclear.
coherence and cohesion
Keep one main idea in each paragraph. In the cinema paragraph, family time and meeting new people are different ideas; explain them in separate, clear parts.
coherence and cohesion
Check key word forms and small grammar points so your meaning is easy to follow: “phones and tablets”, “save travel time”, “people follow this”, “it will be a better option”, and “become more social”.
task response
You discuss both sides and give a clear view that going to the cinema is better.
task response
You include reasons for watching at home, such as saving travel time and ticket money.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear opening, two main body parts, and an ending.
coherence and cohesion
Words such as “On the one hand”, “On the other side”, and “Consequently” help show the order of your ideas.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • Convenience
  • Mobile Viewing
  • Cost-efficient
  • Time-efficient
  • Personalized experience
  • Immersive
  • Cinematic experience
  • Surround sound
  • Collective experience
  • Technical superiority
  • Sensory experience
  • Social hubs
  • Cultural events
  • Distractions
  • Preservation
  • Filmmaking art
  • Cinematographic nuances
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