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Band 6.5

In the 21st century, contact between many different parts of the world has developed rapidly through air travel and telecommunications. What are the advantages and the disadvantages?

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Introduction
Travelling by plane and radiocommunications have developed connections between numerous parts of the world, swiftly, in
this
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 century. They bring various benefits,
such
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 as sharing
cultures
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, increasing open border business, etc, and
also
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 carry some demerits, like increasing
pollution
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 and destroying local
cultures
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. These are described below.
Body paragraph 1
On the one hand, air journeys and mobile phones have increased the culture sharing rates among the global people. Many individuals, nowadays, travel easily to any other place within a short period of time, and they get an easy chance to share their
cultures
Use synonyms
 with each other.
As a result
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, it increases the chances of building healthy relationships.
Moreover
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, easy communication has increased the chance of international open-border business.
Therefore
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, the rates of imports and exports are increasing day by day, as well as increasing the chance of getting jobs.
For example
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, one research carried out at the University of Dhaka showed that,
due to
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 the open markets
,
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apply
show examples
 and good communications, Bangladesh is earning 15 times more money
,
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apply
show examples
 compared to the previous century.
Body paragraph 2
On the other hand
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, moving by air is increasing the
pollution
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 in the atmosphere. As they consume a huge amount of fuel, the release rate of greenhouse gases has increased almost double compared to the
last
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 century, as shown by IPCC, 2014.
Furthermore
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,
due to
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 the easy travelling, people are now reaching easily to the remote places.
Due to
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this
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 reason, the
pollution
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 is increasing in the local areas
also
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.
Furthermore
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,
due to
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 the high share of
cultures
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, in some cases, people are losing their own unique customs.
For instance
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, some Australian citizens do not speak their native languages, and do not wear their traditional dresses. They speak in English and wear Western dresses as well.
Conclusion
In conclusion, easy connections between many publics with the different parts of the globe increase the chances to build up good relationships and business.
Although
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 these quick movements provide some drawbacks, like
pollution
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 and the chances of losing
cultures
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, the benefits of easy communications outweigh the demerits.

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task response
Give a more even view of both sides. The good side has two points, but the bad side has three points. Add one more good point, such as fast help in health or study across countries.
task response
Explain each point more fully. For example, say how culture sharing builds good ties: people can learn respect, make friends, and better understand ways of life.
task response
Be careful with facts and study claims. “One research” and the IPCC fact sound unclear. Use a clear source, or give a simple real-life example that you can explain well.
task response
Your ending says the good points are greater than the bad points. This is fine, but briefly say why, so the final view feels more fully supported.
coherence and cohesion
Use clearer links inside paragraphs. For example: “This means that…”, “Because of this…”, and “As a result…”. This will show the step from cause to result.
coherence and cohesion
Some ideas repeat. In the second body part, “Furthermore” is used more than once. Use a new link or join ideas where they are very close.
coherence and cohesion
Keep key words the same. You use “air journeys”, “moving by air”, and “quick movements”. Choose one clear term, such as “air travel”, and use it through the essay.
coherence and cohesion
Make the last paragraph more direct. Instead of “easy connections between many publics with the different parts of the globe”, use a simple line such as “Better travel and communication connect people around the world.”
task response
You cover both good and bad sides. Your main ideas are clear: culture sharing, trade and jobs, air pollution, harm to small places, and loss of local culture.
task response
You give examples to support your points, such as trade in Bangladesh and language use in Australia.
coherence and cohesion
The essay has a clear start, two main body parts, and an ending. The use of “On the one hand” and “On the other hand” helps the reader follow your ideas.
coherence and cohesion
Most paragraphs stay on one main side of the topic, so the writing is easy to understand.
Your opinion

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Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

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...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

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