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Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Some people say that experiences a child has before starting schools have the most influence on their future life. Others say that experience as teenagers, especially at school, are more influential. Discuss both views a

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Introduction
There is no doubt that the
experiences
Use synonyms
 which individuals have, no matter if they are good or bad, have an
influence
Use synonyms
 on their future
lives
Use synonyms
.
Although
Linking Words
 some people believe that teenagers may suffer from these
experiences
Use synonyms
 more than toddlers because they seek validation at
this
Linking Words
 age, I agree with the other view that children are more influenced by negative
experiences
Use synonyms
 because they are still in their initial
stage
Use synonyms
 of building their
characters
Check wording
character
show examples
.
Body paragraph 1
On one hand, many people believe that young individuals seek validation
especially
Punctuation problem
, especially
show examples
 among their peers.
For instance
Linking Words
, when teenagers leave their
houses
Punctuation problem
houses,
show examples
 their minds are filled with thoughts and ideas which they
already
Verb problem
have already
show examples
took it
Wrong verb form
taken
show examples
 from their
experiences
Use synonyms
 since their childhood, so when they start to communicate with others
especially
Punctuation problem
, especially
show examples
 at
school
Punctuation problem
school,
show examples
 they want to feel accepted and validated
, if
Punctuation problem
. If
show examples
 they feel they are
rejected
Punctuation problem
rejected,
show examples
this
Linking Words
 may lead them to low self-esteem
which
Punctuation problem
, which
show examples
 for sure has a negative
influence
Use synonyms
 on their future
lives
Use synonyms
.
For example
Linking Words
, many teenagers took their own
lives
Use synonyms
 just because they felt excluded from their peers.
Body paragraph 2
On the other hand
Linking Words
, others believe that children before starting school are in a very significant and dangerous
stage
Use synonyms
. Because their brains are still in
early
Correct article usage
the early
show examples
stage
Use synonyms
 of
development
Punctuation problem
development,
show examples
 in which the brain collects these
experiences
Use synonyms
 as an input
which
Punctuation problem
, which
show examples
 builds
this
Linking Words
 child’s character for the rest of his life.
For example
Linking Words
, many adults still have mental problems because they dealt with hard
experiences
Use synonyms
 when they were in
nursary
Correct your spelling
nursery
. I agree with
this
Linking Words
 view because if the child’s personality is shaped by a negative input,
this
Linking Words
 will
influence
Use synonyms
 the rest of his life.
Conclusion
In conclusion, regardless
that
Change preposition
of the fact that
show examples
 the teenage years are
hard
Correct article usage
a hard
show examples
stage
Use synonyms
 in many people’s
lives
Use synonyms
, I believe that individuals
take
Verb problem
have
show examples
 a great amount of
influence
Use synonyms
 during the first years of their
lives
Use synonyms
.

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task response
Give fuller support for each main point. Explain more clearly how peer rejection can affect later work, family life, or friendships, and how early bad care can shape later behavior.
task response
Use examples that are more careful and clear. The line about teenagers taking their own lives is very strong and is not explained. A simpler example, such as a child who is often left out becoming afraid to speak, would fit better.
task response
Make your reason for your own view more direct. Say why early years have a stronger effect than the teen years, not only that they are important.
coherence and cohesion
Some sentences are too long and hold many ideas. Split them into shorter sentences so the main point is easier to see.
coherence and cohesion
Keep one clear idea in each paragraph. In the first body paragraph, start with the effect of peer approval, then explain it, then give one example.
coherence and cohesion
Avoid repeating “experiences”, “influence”, and “future lives” many times. Use simple changes such as “events”, “effect”, and “later life”.
coherence and cohesion
Check small word links in sentences. For example, write “ideas that they took from childhood experiences”, not “ideas which they already took it from their experiences”.
task response
You discuss both views and clearly say which view you agree with.
task response
Your main ideas stay on the topic: peer rejection in the teen years and early brain and character growth in childhood.
coherence and cohesion
The essay has a clear four-part shape: introduction, one paragraph for each view, and a conclusion.
coherence and cohesion
Linking words such as “On one hand”, “On the other hand”, “For instance”, and “In conclusion” help the reader follow your ideas.
Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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