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Band 4.5

Many peole think that it is important to go to university while others prefer to start work without getting a universty education. Discuss both views and give your opinion.

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Introduction
Education
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 plays an
utmost
Correct word choice
apply
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important role in a human’s life. It is often debated whether it is vital for
people
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 to go
the
Change preposition
to
show examples
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university
Punctuation problem
university,
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whereas
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 some choose to work but
not
Verb problem
do not
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 getting
university
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education
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.
This
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 essay will discuss both sides of the argument and provide a reasoned conclusion.
Body paragraph 1
To begin
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 with, the primary reason why going to
university
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 is important is that it gives
an
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
insight
and
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into and
show examples
education
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 of the job to be performed. On the one hand, proponents of the view argue that a person who studies in
the
Correct article usage
a
show examples
university
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 has a better intellectual level
along with
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 an understanding
to
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of how to
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 resolve the issues effectively. To illustrate, statistics show that folks who go
the
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to
show examples
university
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 get to deal with
people
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,
also
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 get on-hand
trainings
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training
show examples
 on how to react and behave in certain situations, present
yourself
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themselves
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 socially,
maintain
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and maintain
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 relationships with
team
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the team
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.
Therefore
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,
university
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education
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 matters in the career of an individual.
Body paragraph 2
On the other hand
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, some
people
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 contend that it is better to start working than
going
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to go
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 to
university
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.
This
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 is largely
due to
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 the fact that
education
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 costs a lot of money and
people
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 do not see the value in spending
huge
Correct article usage
a huge
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 sum of money
for the
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on
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education
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.
For instance
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,
people
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 feel
education
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 as burden as they have other financial obligations to
fulfill
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fulfil
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,
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that
Correct pronoun usage
which
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 is why youngsters
chose
Wrong verb form
choose
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 to support their family by working
instead
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 of going to the universities.
Conclusion
In conclusion,
while
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 there are various aspects to consider, I maintain that
virtues
Correct article usage
the virtues
show examples
 that
education
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 provides are undeniable. It helps in the
overall
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 development of a human being. It helps a person to understand their rights and how to become a better person in society.

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task response
Give a fuller answer for both views. The university side talks about job skills, but the work side mainly talks about cost. Add another reason why work can be good, such as getting real skills, earning money, and learning from people at work.
task response
Make your opinion more direct. Say clearly that university is better for most people, but starting work can be the right choice for people who need money or want a job that does not need a degree.
task response
Use more clear and real examples. “Statistics show” is not followed by a real fact. Instead, give a simple example, such as a nurse or teacher needing university study, while a shop worker may learn through work.
task response
Keep the last part close to the question. Ideas about rights and being a better person are too wide. Focus on jobs, skills, cost, and future work.
coherence and cohesion
Put one clear main idea at the start of each body part, then explain it and give an example. This will make each part easier to follow.
coherence and cohesion
Some ideas in the first body part are joined too quickly. For example, dealing with people, training, social skills, and team work need clearer links and fuller explanation.
coherence and cohesion
Use linking words with care. You write “On the one hand” in the first body part, but there is no matching “On the other hand” until the next part. You can simply start the first part with “First” and the second with “However”.
coherence and cohesion
Avoid repeating “education” and “university” too often. You can sometimes use “study”, “a degree”, or “higher study” to make the writing smoother.
task response
You discuss both sides: university study and starting work. Your own view is clear in the last part.
task response
The essay stays on the main topic and gives a reason for each view.
coherence and cohesion
The essay has a clear beginning, two main body parts, and an ending.
coherence and cohesion
Linking words such as “To begin with”, “On the other hand”, and “In conclusion” help the reader follow your ideas.
Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

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