IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 3.5

Less and Less parents these days are smacking their children. Some people think that this is leading to a generation of misbehaved children. Do you agree or disagree to this view?

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Introduction
People are arguing that
less
Correct determiner usage
fewer
show examples
parents
Use synonyms
 these days are
using that are
Verb problem
apply
show examples
leading to a generation of
Use synonyms
children misbehaviors
Check wording
children's misbehaviour
show examples
. I agree, because of
these
Fix the agreement mistake
this
show examples
 type of punishment
Use synonyms
kids
Punctuation problem
, kids
show examples
 will take it as normal to mistreat people. I want to share my point of view about it.
Body paragraph 1
While
Linking Words
 using communications, love and kindness to raise their
children
Use synonyms
; they feel like if anybody is using a high tone on them, they feel like it is abnormal. Understanding is the main
tools
Fix the agreement mistake
tool
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, try
the
Verb problem
to understand the
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 meaning of changes. Play as a friend when necessary, sometimes
parents
Use synonyms
suppose
Wrong verb form
are supposed
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 to act as their
kids
Use synonyms
 bestfriend.
Body paragraph 2
On the other
Linking Words
hand
Add a comma
hand,
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children
Use synonyms
 that raise with their
parents
Use synonyms
 smacking or
beat
Wrong verb form
beating
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 them up will mistreat others in the future.
Therefore
Linking Words
,
children
Use synonyms
suppose
Wrong verb form
are supposed
show examples
 to
treat
Wrong verb form
be treated
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 with love and respect. I remember when
i
Fix capitalization
I
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 was a kid, my teacher used to mistreat me,
i
Fix capitalization
I
show examples
 was always frustrated when
i go
Wrong verb form
I went
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 to school. Even the teacher did not know how to treat
children
Use synonyms
and
Punctuation problem
, and
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 there was nowhere to complain. When
i become
Wrong verb form
I became
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 older i knew the pain i act differently with people.
Conclusion
In conclusion,
i
Fix capitalization
I
show examples
 strongly agree with the statement saying that
less
Correct determiner usage
fewer
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 and
less
Correct determiner usage
fewer
show examples
parents
Use synonyms
 are smacking their
kids
Use synonyms
 because they believe it might lead to
to a
Change preposition
apply
show examples
misbehaved
children
Use synonyms
 in the future.
Children
Use synonyms
 today are adults tomorrow.
if
Capitalize the word
If
show examples
 you treat your
kids
Use synonyms
 with love or mistreat them their will be the kind of
adulte
Correct your spelling
adult
 in the future.

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Task response
State your view more clearly in the first paragraph. Your essay seems to say that smacking can lead children to hurt others, but the question is about fewer parents smacking children. Make this key idea clear.
Task response
Develop two main reasons in more detail. For example, explain why no smacking may help children learn self-control, or why bad behaviour may come from other causes such as poor rules at home.
Task response
Your personal story is useful, but link it directly to the question. Explain what it shows about smacking, fear, respect, and later behaviour.
Coherence and cohesion
Use one clear idea in each body paragraph. The first body paragraph talks about love, speaking loudly, change, and being a friend. Choose one main point and explain it fully.
Coherence and cohesion
Use simple link words to show your ideas: 'First', 'For example', 'However', 'As a result', and 'In conclusion'.
Coherence and cohesion
Make sure your conclusion matches your main view. At present, it says fewer parents are smacking children, but it is not fully clear if you think this causes bad behaviour or prevents it.
Task response
You give a clear personal example from school. This makes your writing more real and shows that you are trying to support your view.
Task response
You focus on important ideas such as love, respect, and the effect adults can have on children.
Coherence and cohesion
Your essay has an opening, two main paragraphs, and a conclusion, so the reader can follow the basic shape of your answer.
Coherence and cohesion
You use some linking words, such as 'On the other hand', 'Therefore', and 'In conclusion'.
Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

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