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Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Experts say older people were happier and healthier in the past because they did more excercise and spend more time with their family and friends whereas now many suffer loneliness and health problems.What are the causes o this and what are some solutions

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Introduction
Elderly individuals were more satisfied and healthier in previous decades because they participated in more exercises and
have
Wrong verb form
had
show examples
 more
time
Use synonyms
 with their families and colleagues,
according to
Linking Words
 various experts.
Whereas
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 these days
many
Punctuation problem
, many
show examples
 people face challenges with isolation and health issues.
This
Linking Words
 essay will examine the primary reasons for
this
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 problem and suggest potential solutions.
Body paragraph 1
Initially
Linking Words
, the widespread
of
Check wording
use of
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 social media platforms made people extremely addicted and spend excessive hours browsing;
in other words
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, a large proportion of citizens felt
sufficient
Correct word choice
satisfied
show examples
 and
do
Wrong verb form
did
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 not initiate
in
Change preposition
apply
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making friendships.
Therefore
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,
this
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 addiction caused severe depression and loneliness
to
Change preposition
in
show examples
 individuals.
In addition
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, they became reluctant to engage in sports activities and have valuable
time
Use synonyms
 with parents and siblings; the primary reason being that short reels and quick content
provides
Correct subject-verb agreement
provide
show examples
 substantial amounts of dopamine.
For instance
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, recent statistics from the University of Liverpool revealed that 73 per cent of teenagers prefer scrolling TikTok
than
Change preposition
to
show examples
 doing a physical session.
Consequently
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, one-third
the
Change preposition
of the
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 population of the United Kingdom
are
Correct subject-verb agreement
is
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 over the average global weight,
according to
Linking Words
 the Global Health Organisation.
Body paragraph 2
Furthermore
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, minors should be forbidden from using mobile phones or given a weekly
time
Use synonyms
 limit; they must participate in sports activities
and
Punctuation problem
,
show examples
 make new relationships, and spend
time
Use synonyms
 with guardians.
Moreover
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, establishing a Mentorship and Mental
Department
Check wording
Health Department
show examples
 will resolve the depression some learners face, and
providing
Wrong verb form
provide
show examples
 personal sessions with students facing severe conditions. A clear example of
this
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 can be seen in Norway, where the majority of schools
do
Verb problem
have
show examples
 a biweekly personal meeting with students and inquire if they face any difficulties or issues.
Consequently
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, Norway is ranked second globally in the happiness index by the Human Development Index.
Conclusion
In conclusion, social media addiction causes notable sufficiency from friendships and athletic activities. Serious restrictions must be applied to teenagers to prevent autism and mental issues.

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task response
Answer the question about older people, not mainly teenagers and students. Explain why older people now may live alone, have less family time, move less, or have less money and care.
task response
Give solutions for older people. For example, local groups, walking clubs, cheap health care, family visits, and help at home. A phone limit for minors does not directly solve the main problem.
task response
Make each cause and solution clear. Explain how it leads to loneliness or poor health, then show how the solution can help.
task response
Use examples that fit the main group. A case about a local centre for older people would fit better than school meetings.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear start, two main parts, and an end. However, the ideas move away from the main topic in the body paragraphs.
coherence and cohesion
Keep one main idea in each paragraph. For example, paragraph one can be about less family contact; paragraph two can be about less exercise and health care; then give matching solutions.
coherence and cohesion
Use simple links such as 'One cause is', 'Another reason is', 'As a result', and 'To solve this'. Make sure the next sentence explains the one before it.
coherence and cohesion
The last paragraph should sum up the key causes and solutions. Do not add a new point, such as autism, at the end.
task response
You gave both causes and solutions, so you tried to answer all parts of the question.
task response
You used examples to support your points, including an example about Norway.
coherence and cohesion
The introduction clearly says that the essay will look at causes and solutions.
coherence and cohesion
The essay uses paragraphs and linking words such as 'Initially', 'In addition', 'Furthermore', and 'In conclusion'.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • loneliness
  • health problems
  • urban living
  • physical activity
  • green spaces
  • recreational facilities
  • technological advancements
  • digital communication
  • face-to-face interactions
  • quality family time
  • emotional well-being
  • healthcare systems
  • preventive care
  • active living
  • societal attitudes
  • aging
  • engagement
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