IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

As compared to the past, people nowadays are choosing to have fewer children than their parents and grandparents. Describe some of the problems that having fewer children can cause and suggest at least one possible solution.

✍️ Want to check your own essay?Write on this topic →
Introduction
Couples these days prefer having fewer kids in comparison to previous generations, where
average
Correct article usage
the average
show examples
Use synonyms
children
Check wording
number of children
show examples
 was statistically higher.
This
Linking Words
 essay will examine the main consequences of having fewer
children
Use synonyms
 and present potential solutions.
Body paragraph 1
Initially
Linking Words
, having fewer
children
Use synonyms
 means that in the upcoming decades
income
Punctuation problem
, income
show examples
 tax for the government will decline, which will cause financial burdens to the state
;
Punctuation problem
,
show examples
 because the government cannot pay retirees their wages if the workforce
are
Correct subject-verb agreement
is
show examples
 lower than
them
Fix the agreement mistake
it is
show examples
.
In addition
Linking Words
, corporations and public departments will face severe challenges in employing graduates because demand is higher than supply. A clear example of
this
Linking Words
 can be seen in Japan, where companies started employing foreigners
as a result
Linking Words
 of the extremely low sex
reproduction
Check wording
ratio
show examples
 in the country.
Body paragraph 2
Furthermore
Linking Words
, job tasks should be distributed in a method that gives more time for older people to raise more
children
Use synonyms
; to illustrate, analysts and junior analysts should be given higher and greater tasks than associates and vice presidents; the primary reason being that they are mostly not engaged,
therefore
Linking Words
, flexible hours must be given to older employees.
Moreover
Linking Words
, governmental intervention is required,
such
Linking Words
 as providing incentives to have more
children
Use synonyms
,
Punctuation problem
apply
show examples
 or giving task reductions for each child.
Consequently
Linking Words
, citizens will mostly decide to have more kids for the purpose of receiving public grants.
Conclusion
In conclusion, low reproduction rates will cause issues for the state in tax returns, and the job market will lack
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
skilled workers. Possible solutions to resolve the issue
is
Correct subject-verb agreement
are
show examples
 to provide incentives to couples to have more kids.

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site's author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task response
Make the first problem more exact. Retired people do not get wages; they get pensions. Explain that fewer workers may mean less tax money, so the state may find it hard to pay pensions and health care.
task response
Develop the second problem further. Say how too few workers can affect shops, schools, hospitals, and the whole economy, not only company hiring.
task response
Your first solution is not clear and does not fit the problem well. Giving young workers more work and older workers more free time is hard to understand. Replace it with clear help for parents, such as low-cost child care, paid leave, or help with housing.
task response
Do not say that people will mostly have children only to get public money. A better idea is that support can make it easier for couples who already want children.
coherence and cohesion
Keep the same order in the second body paragraph. Start with one clear solution, explain how it works, and then give an example or result.
coherence and cohesion
Some links between ideas need to be clearer. For example, explain why a low birth rate leads to companies hiring people from other countries.
coherence and cohesion
Use simpler, more direct topic sentences. For example: “One major problem is a lack of workers.” Then explain this idea step by step.
coherence and cohesion
The ending should restate the main problems and the best solution in clear words. Avoid adding new or unclear ideas there.
task response
You answer both parts of the question: you describe problems and give ways to deal with them.
task response
The Japan example helps make the point about too few young workers more real.
coherence and cohesion
The essay has a clear start, two main parts, and an ending. Words such as “Initially”, “In addition”, and “In conclusion” help the reader follow your ideas.
coherence and cohesion
Each main paragraph has one main focus: first the problems, then the possible ways to help.
Answer the 'Problem and Solution' topic

Problem-and-solution essays fall naturally into two parts, the first describing and exploring the problem, the second setting out the solution or solutions.

You essay structure should look something like this:

  • Introduction
  • Body paragraph 1 – Problems
  • Body paragraph 2 – Solutions
  • Conclusion

Examples to start your body paragraph:

  • One of the first problems of the...
  • Another problem that needs to be considered...
  • A possible solution to this problem would be...
  • One immediate practical solution is to...

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: