IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 3.5

Nowadays, most people rely on digital devices and smartphones in their daily lives. Do the advantages of this development outweigh the disadvantages?

✍️ Want to check your own essay?Write on this topic →
Introduction
Nowadays
Punctuation problem
Nowadays,
show examples
 most of the
people
Use synonyms
 depend on digital
devices
Use synonyms
 and
smartphones
Use synonyms
. It has many advantages and disadvantages
phenomenon
Punctuation problem
,
show examples
 but the advantages outweigh the disadvantages.
Body paragraph 1
There are many benefits
for
Change preposition
to
show examples
 digital
devices
Use synonyms
 and
smartphones
Use synonyms
.
Firstly
Linking Words
,
people
Use synonyms
 are doing many things
easier
Rephrase
more easily
show examples
 than
the
Change preposition
in the
show examples
 past days for digitalization. Those tasks used to
do
Wrong verb form
be done
show examples
 outside
, nowadays
Correct word order
; nowadays,
show examples
 those
works
Check wording
tasks
show examples
 can be done
in
Change preposition
at
show examples
 home
for
Change preposition
with
show examples
 smart
devices
Use synonyms
. Many
people
Use synonyms
 are learning many things from
smartphones
Use synonyms
,
such
Linking Words
 as studying
,
Correct word choice
and
show examples
 acquiring new things.
Smartphones
Use synonyms
 have become very popular for communication,
that’s
Correct pronoun usage
which is
show examples
 why we can communicate
with the
Change preposition
apply
show examples
worldwide very easily.
Moreover
Linking Words
, our lifestyle has become luxurious
due to
Linking Words
 the development of digital
devices
Use synonyms
, as the pursuit of
material combination
Replace the word
materialism
 drives
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
society forward
which
Punctuation problem
, which
show examples
Improves
Fix capitalization
improves
show examples
 all sectors for digital
devices
Use synonyms
.
Body paragraph 2
Digital
devices
Use synonyms
 have several negative
circumstances
Check wording
consequences
show examples
,
Punctuation problem
;
show examples
 many
people
Use synonyms
 are addicted
on
Change preposition
to
show examples
 digital
devices
Use synonyms
 and
smartphones
Use synonyms
. They are spending more time on smart
devices
Use synonyms
,
as a
Linking Words
result
Punctuation problem
result,
show examples
 our working time has
been
Correct word order
also been
show examples
also
Linking Words
 decreasing. Most of the students are
also
Linking Words
 getting addicted to
smartphones
Use synonyms
 and pushing their life to the darkness day by day.
However
Linking Words
, physical exercise is essential for health
but
Punctuation problem
, but
show examples
 we
attached
Verb problem
are attached
show examples
with
Change preposition
to
show examples
smartphones
Use synonyms
.
As a result
Linking Words
, diseases among
people
Use synonyms
 have increased more than before.
Conclusion
In conclusion,
although
Linking Words
 I think digital
devices
Use synonyms
 have
negative
Correct article usage
a negative
show examples
 impact it
also
Linking Words
contains
Correct subject-verb agreement
contain
show examples
 beneficial
factor
Check wording
factors
show examples
, we should utilise the positive side of
it
Fix the agreement mistake
them
show examples
. If we get more addicted
on
Change preposition
to
show examples
smartphones
Use synonyms
,
then
Linking Words
 the destruction of the nation is inevitable. We should use it properly to develop the
countr
Correct your spelling
country

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site's author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task response
Make your main view more clear in the start. Say why the good points are stronger, not only that they are stronger.
task response
Give one or two real, clear examples. For example, explain how a phone helps a person study from home, pay for food, or speak to family far away.
task response
Develop each point further. The idea about health is useful, but explain how long phone use can lead to less exercise, poor sleep, or eye pain.
task response
Some ideas are too broad or unclear, such as “luxurious lifestyle” and “the destruction of the nation”. Use direct ideas that answer the question about daily phone use.
coherence and cohesion
Keep one main idea in each paragraph. In the first body part, focus on ease, study, and contact. Remove or explain the point about material life because it does not link clearly to the topic.
coherence and cohesion
Use linking words with care. “However” should show a clear change from a good point to a bad point. Also, do not join too many ideas in one long sentence.
coherence and cohesion
Make the ending match your main view. State again that the good points are greater, then give a short reason. Do not add a new large claim at the end.
coherence and cohesion
Use clear word groups to link ideas. For example: “This means that…”, “For this reason…”, and “On the other hand…”.
task response
You give a clear view that the good points are stronger than the bad points. You also cover both sides of the topic.
coherence and cohesion
The essay has a clear start, two main body parts, and an ending. Words such as “Firstly”, “Moreover”, “However”, and “In conclusion” help the reader follow your ideas.
Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: