IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 7

Some people have decided to reduce the number of times they fly every year or to stop flying altogether. Do you think the environmental benefits of this development outweigh the disadvantages for individuals and businesses?

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Introduction
Some individuals have changed their ways of transportation by reducing or cancelling flights in their plans.
This
Linking Words
 decision would bring both pros and cons to their personal life
as well as
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 to society. Generally, I believe the advantages for environmental protection it brought could not outweigh the drawbacks because these could
also
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 damage their life or the commerce.
Body paragraph 1
Certainly, reducing aircraft usage would definitely cut off the emission of air pollutants,
such
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 as carbon dioxide, which surely have positive impacts on our air quality.
As a result
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, the greenhouse effect would slow down because of the decrease in pollutant accumulation in the atmosphere.
Therefore
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,
this
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 turnover would contribute significantly to environmental protection on Earth.
For example
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, many rich businessmen usually take a private jet for daily commuting, which could save their time and give them privacy, but use huge amount of gas for a few people.
Therefore
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, as glamorous celebrities, they often promise to change their lifestyle to a low-carbon lifestyle by taking another way of transportation.
such
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 as cars or trains.
Body paragraph 2
However
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,
on the other hand
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, the disadvantages that are brought would definitely change their life and the business forever, which could be worthless to some extent.
For example
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, a famous movie star would like to participate in an event in another country. Because of considering the air pollution of
flight
Use synonyms
, he takes a ship to go across the ocean, which takes him weeks on the sea.
This
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 would reduce his business activity significantly and would indeed harm his career. I think he should reduce their private jet
flight
Use synonyms
instead
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 of totally cancelling the
flight
Use synonyms
 travelling.
Conclusion
In conclusion, unnecessary
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
flight
Use synonyms
 travel should be reduced to protect our environment. But completely stop using the
flight
Use synonyms
 as an efficient tool for international travelling is illogical and inefficient. Because the disadvantages could cause problems which cannot be outweighed by its advantages.

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task response
Make your main view more exact in the first part. Say that fewer flights can help the environment, but stopping all flights would cause more harm for people and business.
task response
Explain more fully why the bad side is greater. The work example is useful, but add a business example, such as firms that need fast travel to meet clients, move goods, or help staff.
task response
Be careful with the car example. Cars can also pollute the air, so they may not be a good low-carbon choice. Trains or online meetings would fit your point better.
task response
Your ending says that all flight travel should not stop, but the question is also about flying less. Make clear that you support cutting flights that are not needed, while keeping flights that are important.
coherence and cohesion
Use one clear idea in each paragraph. In the first body part, focus on the environmental gain. In the second, focus on time, work, trade, and business loss.
coherence and cohesion
Some links are too strong or repeat the same idea, such as “definitely”, “surely”, and “would indeed”. Use simple links only when needed: “This means”, “As a result”, and “In contrast”.
coherence and cohesion
Make the last part of the first body paragraph a full sentence. Also, do not start “such as cars or trains” with a small letter after a full stop.
coherence and cohesion
Keep the person words the same. You write about “he” and then say “their private jet flight”. Write “his private-jet flights” or use “they” all the way through.
task response
You give a clear view: you think the harm to people and business is greater than the good for the environment. You discuss both sides and stay on the topic.
task response
Your examples about private jets and a film star help show why less flying can help the air but can also make travel and work hard.
coherence and cohesion
The essay has a clear start, two main body parts, and an ending. Words such as “For example”, “Therefore”, and “However” help the reader follow your ideas.
coherence and cohesion
Each main part has one main point, so the reader can see the change from the good side to the bad side.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • reduce
  • benefits
  • environment
  • pollution
  • travel
  • businesses
  • individuals
  • challenges
  • meetings
  • connections
  • effort
  • manage
  • remotely
  • money
  • stress
  • local
  • culture
  • discovering
  • innovative
  • technology
  • ways
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