IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

many people decide on a career path early in their lives and keep to it. This, they argue, leads to a more satisfying working life. To what extent do yous agree with this view? What other things can people do in order to have a satisfying working life?

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Introduction
We live in an age where
the
Correct article usage
apply
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workers are getting younger as they decide early on what industry they want to
work
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 in for the rest of their lives. I do not agree with
this
Linking Words
 tunnel vision method of achieving
life
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's goals and bringing satisfaction in
one
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's
life
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. In
this
Linking Words
essay
Add a comma
essay,
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 I will give you my reasoning behind disagreement and give applicable alternatives to a more fulfilling
life
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.
Body paragraph 1
In today's age,
that
Correct determiner usage
the
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 decision on what career to pursue is taken too early in
the
Correct article usage
a
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 kid's
life
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.
This
Linking Words
 leads to many young adults forgetting to have hobbies that can bring them
overall
Linking Words
hapiness
Correct your spelling
happiness
 and satisfaction. The long term repurcussion of
such
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 a
pre-mature
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premature
 action of solely focusing
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one
Change preposition
on one
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 career path is that the worker
has not
Correct word order
does not have a
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work
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-
life
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 balance as he does not have a
life
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 outside of the workplace. Focusing on other avenues of
work
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 or exploring new industries can give lasting benefits of skill enhancement
as well as
Linking Words
 internal satisfaction of learning something novel.
Body paragraph 2
Similarly
Linking Words
, as someone fills the entry-level position, they are open to all the possibilities of the world about what they can earn and what industry they can
work
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 in when they enter their peak earning years.
However
Linking Words
, if they decide that they want to enter into
one
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 field with no room for change or
optionality
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optionality,
show examples
 they can amputate their survival in an evolving job market.
Conclusion
In conclusion, the most important attitude in
one
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's career to have a satisfied
work
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life
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 is to have
adaptablity
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adaptability
 and optionality. In
this
Linking Words
 constantly changing world, curious and
open minded
Correct your spelling
open-minded
 job seekers and employees would prevail with a lot more of a satisfying
life
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 at
work
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.

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task response
Your main view is clear: you do not agree that choosing one job path early will always make work more satisfying. However, explain your view more fully. Say why an early plan can still help some people, then show why being able to change is more important.
task response
Answer the second question in a more direct way. Give two or three clear things people can do, such as learn new skills, keep interests outside work, build good work friends, ask for fair hours, or change jobs when needed.
task response
Use real, simple examples to support each main idea. For example, describe a person who chose a job at school but later found that they liked a different type of work.
task response
Some ideas are not fully clear. The point about young people losing hobbies needs more explanation: show how hobbies or time outside work can make a person happier at work.
coherence and cohesion
Use a clearer plan: introduction; one paragraph on your view of early career choices; one paragraph on other ways to have satisfying work; conclusion. This will help the reader follow both parts of the question.
coherence and cohesion
Start each body paragraph with one clear main sentence. Then give an explanation and an example. Your second body paragraph changes from entry-level jobs to pay and then to job safety, so the main point is hard to follow.
coherence and cohesion
Link ideas with simple words such as 'First', 'For example', 'However', 'As a result', and 'In addition'. Make sure each link shows the real relation between the ideas.
coherence and cohesion
Keep key words the same. For example, use 'career path', 'job', and 'work life' in a careful way, rather than using many less clear phrases.
task response
You give a clear opinion from the start and keep this opinion in the conclusion.
task response
You raise useful ideas about being open to change, learning new skills, and having a life outside work.
coherence and cohesion
The essay has an introduction, two body paragraphs, and a conclusion.
coherence and cohesion
The conclusion returns to your main idea about being able to adapt in a changing work world.
Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

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