IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Some people think that it is important for government to pay for large pieces of art, for example sculptures to put on public display in outdoor spaces. Do you agree or disagree?

4.5 / 9
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Introduction
Nowadays, a large number of people reckon that it is essential for the
government
Use synonyms
 to pay for huge pieces of art
Linking Words
such
Punctuation problem
, such
show examples
 as
Use synonyms
sculptures
Punctuation problem
sculptures,
show examples
 to put on public display in outdoor spaces. From my perspective, I totally disagree with
this
Linking Words
 point because there are other ways to spend public funds for schools or hospitals and not everyone would
appreciates
Wrong verb form
appreciate
show examples
 the modern art.
Body paragraph 1
On
Correct determiner usage
The
show examples
 main idea for
this
Linking Words
 statement is that
Use synonyms
government
Add an article
the government
show examples
 can allocate money to other purposes
Linking Words
such
Punctuation problem
, such
show examples
 as education and healthcare.
This
Linking Words
 is because these sectors can provide a country with new employees or with regular checking of citizens, which should be
in
Change preposition
apply
show examples
a priority
of
Change preposition
for
show examples
 the
government
Use synonyms
.
In
Linking Words
addition
Add a comma
addition,
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 schools will teach pupils about basic knowledge with extra
meeting
Check wording
meetings
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 to gain experience,
whereas
Linking Words
 hospitals will care
patients
Change preposition
for patients
show examples
 or help to get rid
off
Change preposition
of
show examples
 diseases like
diabetic
Replace the word
diabetes
 or cancer.
As a result
Linking Words
, if they provide these sectors with financial support,
which
Correct pronoun usage
it
show examples
 can lead to profit and an increase of
country
Check wording
country's
show examples
 funds. A case in point is that
sculptures
Use synonyms
 can serve valuable information about the country, whilst education would be more useful since it can be used
a
Change preposition
as a
show examples
source to navigate teenagers.
Body paragraph 2
Another idea is that modern society would not be interested in
sculptures
Use synonyms
.
This
Linking Words
 means that they have access to
internet
Add an article
the internet
show examples
, where they can easily find arts without any fees.
Similarly
Linking Words
, they don't wanna to spend their time
Linking Words
while
Correct word choice
apply
show examples
going to
place
Add an article
a place
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 where it
be
Wrong verb form
is
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 shown.
Consequently
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,
instead
Linking Words
 of seeing it with real emotions and feeling, they will choose a way that
without
Verb problem
is without
show examples
 any troubles and more convenient.
For example
Linking Words
, the USA
government
Use synonyms
did
Verb problem
took
show examples
this
Linking Words
 action to attract people's attention
on
Change preposition
to
show examples
sculptures
Use synonyms
 that saved information throughout the generations.
Conclusion
In conclusion, I fully disagree with
this
Linking Words
 view because
Use synonyms
government
Add an article
the government
show examples
 can allocate money
on
Change preposition
to
show examples
 vital purposes
Linking Words
such
Punctuation problem
, such
show examples
 as schools or hospitals,
that
Correct pronoun usage
which
show examples
 can provide students with employment or with regular
checking of the
Replace the word
apply
body
and
Check wording
checks, and
show examples
 modern society will not be involved in it.

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task response
Your view is clear: you do not agree. Keep this view the same in all parts of the essay.
task response
Give two clear reasons and explain each one more fully. Show why schools and hospitals need the money more than public art.
task response
Some ideas are not clear. For example, schools do not directly give new workers, and hospitals do not give regular checks to all people. Use clear and true points.
task response
Your examples need more detail. The USA example is not explained, so it does not strongly help your point. Use one real, clear example or a simple made-up case.
task response
Do not say that people can find art online as if this is the same as seeing art in public. Explain why online art may make large public art less needed.
coherence and cohesion
Use a clear four-part plan: introduction, first reason, second reason, and conclusion. You already have this plan, but make each part more focused.
coherence and cohesion
Start body paragraphs with direct topic sentences. For example: “First, public money should go to schools and hospitals.”
coherence and cohesion
Link ideas with simple words such as “First,” “Also,” “For example,” “However,” and “Therefore.” Do not use many long link words when the meaning is not clear.
coherence and cohesion
Keep one main idea in each paragraph. In the first body paragraph, focus only on schools and hospitals. In the second, focus only on why public art may not be used by many people.
coherence and cohesion
Make the conclusion shorter and restate your two reasons in clear words. Do not add new ideas there.
task response
You answer the question directly and give a clear opinion from the start.
task response
You give two main reasons: public money is needed for key services, and not all people may enjoy public art.
coherence and cohesion
The essay has an introduction, two body paragraphs, and a conclusion.
coherence and cohesion
You use some helpful linking words, such as “This is because,” “As a result,” and “For example.”
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