IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Some people think that it is important for government to pay for large pieces of art, for example sculptures to put on public display in outdoor spaces. Do you agree or disagree?

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Introduction
Nowadays, a large number of people reckon that it is essential for the
government
Use synonyms
 to pay for huge pieces of art
Linking Words
such
Punctuation problem
, such
show examples
 as
Use synonyms
sculptures
Punctuation problem
sculptures,
show examples
 to put on public display in outdoor spaces. From my perspective, I totally disagree with
this
Linking Words
 point because there are other ways to spend public funds for schools or hospitals and not everyone would
appreciates
Wrong verb form
appreciate
show examples
 the modern art.
Body paragraph 1
On
Correct determiner usage
The
show examples
 main idea for
this
Linking Words
 statement is that
Use synonyms
government
Correct article usage
the government
show examples
 can allocate money to other purposes
such
Linking Words
 as education and healthcare.
This
Linking Words
 is because these sectors can provide a country with new employees or with regular checking of citizens, which should be
in
Change preposition
apply
show examples
a priority
of
Change preposition
for
show examples
 the
government
Use synonyms
.
In
Linking Words
addition
Add a comma
addition,
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 schools will teach pupils about basic knowledge with extra
meeting
Check wording
meetings
show examples
 to gain experience,
whereas
Linking Words
 hospitals will care
patients
Change preposition
for patients
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 or help to get rid
off
Change preposition
of
show examples
 diseases like
diabetic
Replace the word
diabetes
 or cancer.
As a result
Linking Words
, if they provide these sectors with financial support,
which
Correct pronoun usage
it
show examples
 can lead to profit and an increase of
country
Check wording
country's
show examples
 funds. A case in point is that
sculptures
Use synonyms
 can serve valuable information about the country, whilst education would be more useful since it can be used
a
Change preposition
as a
show examples
source to navigate teenagers.
Body paragraph 2
Another idea is that modern society would not be interested in
sculptures
Use synonyms
.
This
Linking Words
 means that they have access to
internet
Correct article usage
the internet
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, where they can easily find arts without any fees.
Similarly
Linking Words
, they don't wanna to spend their time
Linking Words
while
Correct word choice
apply
show examples
going to
place
Correct article usage
a place
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 where it
be
Wrong verb form
is
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 shown.
Consequently
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,
instead
Linking Words
 of seeing it with real emotions and feeling, they will choose a way that
without
Verb problem
is without
show examples
 any troubles and more convenient.
For example
Linking Words
, the USA
government
Use synonyms
did
Verb problem
took
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this
Linking Words
 action to attract people's attention
on
Change preposition
to
show examples
sculptures
Use synonyms
 that saved information throughout the generations.
Conclusion
In conclusion, I fully disagree with
this
Linking Words
 view because
Use synonyms
government
Correct article usage
the government
show examples
 can allocate money
on
Change preposition
to
show examples
 vital purposes
Linking Words
such
Punctuation problem
, such
show examples
 as schools or hospitals,
that
Correct pronoun usage
which
show examples
 can provide students with employment or with regular
checking of the
Replace the word
apply
body
and
Check wording
checks, and
show examples
 modern society will not be involved in it.

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task response
Your view is clear from the start: you disagree. Keep this clear view in every body paragraph. Explain more fully why art money should go to schools and hospitals, and why this is more important for the public.
task response
Develop each main point with a simple chain: main idea, why it matters, and one clear example. For example, say how better schools can help young people get work, or how hospitals can save lives.
task response
The point about people not liking art is too broad. Some people do enjoy public art, so show why this does not mean the government should pay a lot for it. You could say that private groups, art funds, or rich people can help pay for it.
task response
Your USA example is not clear enough. Explain what happened, where it happened, and how it proves your point. If you cannot give a clear real example, use a simple general example instead.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear four-part shape: opening, two main paragraphs, and ending. This helps the reader follow your ideas.
coherence and cohesion
Start each body paragraph with a direct topic sentence. For example: 'First, public money should go to schools and hospitals.' Then keep all the sentences in that paragraph linked to this one idea.
coherence and cohesion
Some links between ideas are hard to follow. In the first body paragraph, the sentence about sculptures giving information does not clearly connect to the point about schools and hospitals. Remove it or explain the link more clearly.
coherence and cohesion
Use simple linking words with care: 'First', 'Also', 'For example', 'However', and 'Therefore'. Do not use a link if the next sentence does not show a result or contrast.
coherence and cohesion
Make the last paragraph shorter and more exact. Restate your two reasons in clear words, without adding new ideas or unclear phrases.
task response
You answer the question directly and give a clear opinion in both the opening and the ending.
task response
You give two relevant reasons: public money is needed for key public services, and public art may not interest all people.
coherence and cohesion
The essay is split into clear paragraphs, with one main idea in each body paragraph.
coherence and cohesion
You try to use linking words such as 'This is because', 'As a result', 'Similarly', and 'In conclusion' to guide the reader.
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