IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 3.5

Some people feel that entertainers are paid too much money. Do you agree or disagree? Which other types of jobs should be highly paid?

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Introduction
There is a growing debate about whether
are the entertainers
Correct word order
the entertainers are
show examples
 paid for them too much than the others. In
this
Linking Words
 essay, I will discuss the reasons why I agree with
this
Linking Words
 statement.
Body paragraph 1
The first point to consider is that celebrities
they
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
work
Use synonyms
 harder than others,
from
Correct word choice
both
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 physically and psychologically
,Morever
Punctuation problem
. Moreover
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, they
had
Wrong verb form
have
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 to fake their emotions and
feeling
Check wording
feelings
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 to
general
Correct article usage
the general
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 view of the masses
Body paragraph 2
,and from physical they have to
work
Use synonyms
 even if they
sick
Verb problem
are sick
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 or tired,
for
Linking Words
example
Punctuation problem
example,
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 in saudi most influncers paid for them more than people who
work
Use synonyms
 in government jobs.
Body paragraph 3
Another reason is that
,
Punctuation problem
apply
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 the entertainers may
to
Verb problem
have to
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got
Wrong verb form
go through
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 abusive treatment just for lack of appreciation,
for instance
Linking Words
 , Kpop groups or Pop stars
Punctuation problem
, the
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the most famous guide they
Correct pronoun usage
who
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 had to accept
this
Linking Words
 treatment for money
,
Punctuation problem
apply
show examples
and fame.
However
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, there
is
Correct subject-verb agreement
are
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 a lot of career should paid
extra
Check wording
extra pay
show examples
Body paragraph 4
for them because of the difficulty of their
work
Use synonyms
Linking Words
such
Punctuation problem
, such
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 as
,
Punctuation problem
apply
show examples
 teaching in general is
hard
Correct article usage
a hard
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 job because
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
they have to teach the same lesson to every class ,and
year
Correct determiner usage
each year
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 they may be forced to teach subjects that are not their area of expertise or about which they know very little.
Conclusion
In conclusion, I believe that every career profession is important in our lives and deserves to be paid, but at the same time, we know that artists earn a lot of money, but it's not as easy a job as everyone expects from physically and
psychology
Replace the word
psychologically
.

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task response
Make your main view clear in the first paragraph. You say you agree that entertainers are paid too much, but your body says that they work hard and face bad treatment. This supports high pay, not the idea that they are paid too much.
task response
Answer both parts in a more full way. Give clear reasons for your view on entertainer pay, then explain which jobs should get high pay. For example, doctors, nurses, teachers, and emergency workers may need high pay because their work helps people and can be hard or risky.
task response
Use one clear example for each main idea. The example about influencers in Saudi is not fully explained. Say how their pay is much more than a public worker’s pay, and why you think this is fair or unfair.
coherence and cohesion
Use a simple plan: introduction, one paragraph about entertainers, one paragraph about other jobs, and a conclusion. Each paragraph should have one main idea.
coherence and cohesion
Start each body paragraph with a clear topic sentence. For example: “I believe many entertainers are paid too much because their income is far higher than the value they give to society.”
coherence and cohesion
Use linking words carefully: “First,” “Also,” “For example,” “However,” and “In conclusion.” Do not join many ideas in one long sentence.
coherence and cohesion
Make pronouns clear. Instead of “they work harder than others,” say who “they” are. Instead of “paid for them,” write “are paid” or “receive pay.”
task response
You give a clear personal view and try to discuss both entertainer pay and other jobs that should get more pay.
task response
You use examples from pop stars, influencers, and teaching to support your ideas.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has an introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion.
coherence and cohesion
You use some useful linking words, such as “for example,” “however,” and “in conclusion.”
Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

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