IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6.5

Some people believe that animal should be eaten or experimented on while other think they have equal right as human being. Discuss both views and your opinion.

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Introduction
Animal rights are often a subject of debate, with some arguing that
animals
Use synonyms
 should have the same rights as humans,
while
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 others, including myself, believe that there is nothing wrong with eating meat.
This
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 essay will discuss both perspectives and give my opinion.
Body paragraph 1
On the one hand, our bodies need minerals, some from vegetables,
while
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 others come from
animals
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.
Furthermore
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, many research studies show that people who do not include regular meat in their meals may have medical issues throughout their lives.
Whereas
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 animal rights do not prevent the use of a huge number of rats and rabbits in research labs to test new medicines.
For example
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, there are some types of protein that cannot be replaced with any other
food
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,
such
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 as fruit or vegetables, and eating animal products is considered essential for our bodies. From my perspective,
animals
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 have different needs from humans. They need respect , and they need to be cared for,
while
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 we need milk, eggs, and some kinds of protein for our muscles.
Body paragraph 2
On the other hand
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, some argue that we can replace the minerals our bodies need from
animals
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,
such
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 as fibre, protein, and potassium, with manufactured
food
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.
For example
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, a friend of mine is a vegetarian. He has never eaten any animal products throughout his life, but he is considered a healthier person. His body is strong, and he does not have any chronic medical conditions. From his perspective, eating red meat seems unnecessary.
Conclusion
In conclusion,
food
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 is not only about
animals
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 or plants. Everyone in the world has a reason why they need each other.
Animals
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 need us for their basic needs,
such
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 as care,
food
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, and water, but
on the other hand
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, they give us milk and eggs. The world is recycled in an indirect way. It is not about killing them or preventing them from living, and they will die anyway, so there is no problem in having the advantages we can gain from them.

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task response
Discuss both parts of the topic more fully. Your essay talks a lot about eating animals, but it gives much less time to using animals in tests. Add a clear point for and against animal tests.
task response
Make your own view more exact. You say eating meat is fine, but also say animals need respect. Explain when and how people should use animals, for example, only when there is no other safe way.
task response
Some claims need more support. For example, do not just say meat is needed for health. Explain which food needs are hard to get from plants, or say that people can plan a plant-based diet with care.
task response
Your friend is a useful example, but one person does not prove that all people can be healthy without animal food. Use a more general example or explain that different people may have different needs.
coherence and cohesion
The essay has a clear start, two main body parts, and an end. However, the first body part mixes eating meat, health, animal rights, and lab tests. Put one main idea in each paragraph.
coherence and cohesion
Use clearer links between ideas. For example: “First, supporters of animal use say...”; “In contrast, people who support animal rights argue...”; “My view is that...”
coherence and cohesion
The last paragraph is not fully clear. The line “The world is recycled in an indirect way” does not clearly support your view. End by restating your opinion and the two main reasons.
coherence and cohesion
Avoid unclear words such as “they” when it may mean animals or people. Repeat the key noun when needed: “animals,” “people,” or “animal food.”
task response
You answer both sides of the topic and give your own view from the start.
task response
You use examples about food, health, milk, eggs, and a vegetarian friend to make your ideas more real.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay is easy to follow because it has an introduction, two body paragraphs, and a conclusion.
coherence and cohesion
You use some linking words well, such as “On the one hand,” “On the other hand,” “Furthermore,” and “For example.”
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