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Writing Samples
Band 4.5

It is a good idea for people to continue working in their old age, if it is possible for them to do so. Do you agree or disagree?

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Introduction
With the increasing cost of living, many
people
Use synonyms
 are facing immense issues
,
Punctuation problem
;
show examples
therefore
Linking Words
, they are continuing
Use synonyms
work
Change preposition
to work
show examples
 in workplaces,
Linking Words
while
Correct word choice
as
show examples
 they
old
Correct word choice
apply
show examples
age, if it is possible for them.
there
Verb problem
There are
show examples
 some benefits and drawbacks,because old
people
Use synonyms
 are facing
healthy
Replace the word
health
 problems
such
Linking Words
 as increasing blood pressure and a shortage of vitamins and protains,when older
people
Use synonyms
often
Rephrase
apply
show examples
Use synonyms
work
Punctuation problem
work,
show examples
 they can escape
from
Change preposition
apply
show examples
illnesses.
also
Linking Words
 there
some
Verb problem
are some
show examples
 disadvantages like
felling
Use the right word
feeling
show examples
 tired and
spend
Wrong verb form
spending
show examples
 a lot
time
Change preposition
of time
show examples
to
Wrong verb form
working
show examples
work
Use synonyms
,
however
Linking Words
 i fully agree with
this
Linking Words
 view because
,
Punctuation problem
apply
show examples
i
Fix capitalization
I
show examples
 believe that older
people
Use synonyms
 should continue working, since it can benefit both their health and income.
Body paragraph 1
one
Capitalize the word
One
show examples
 of the main reasons why
i
Fix capitalization
I
show examples
 totally agree
that
Verb problem
is that
show examples
 when older individuals
work
Use synonyms
 during
older
Correct article usage
an older
show examples
period
Use synonyms
, they can earn money to
basic
Verb problem
cover basic
show examples
 needs,
such
Linking Words
 as fooding clothing, and utility bills.
also
Linking Words
 they can stay healthy during old
Use synonyms
period
Check wording
age
show examples
, because working
require
Correct subject-verb agreement
requires
show examples
 productivity and hard
work
Use synonyms
,
therefore
Linking Words
 some old
people
Use synonyms
are choosing
Wrong verb form
choose to
show examples
work
Use synonyms
 in their old age.
As a consequence
Linking Words
, they not only earn money
to
Change preposition
for
show examples
 daily life, but
also
Linking Words
 it helps to stay
health
Replace the word
healthy
. Take a
permenent
Correct your spelling
permanent
 example
as
Punctuation problem
,
show examples
 my grandfather,
he
Correct pronoun usage
who
show examples
 still
Use synonyms
work
Correct subject-verb agreement
works
show examples
 as a manager in my brother's company, because he
have
Correct subject-verb agreement
has
show examples
 numerous knowledge and experience about
manage
Wrong verb form
managing
show examples
 time and
manage
Wrong verb form
managing
show examples
 workers.
he
Capitalize the word
He
show examples
 always
contribute
Correct subject-verb agreement
contributes
show examples
 to our family budget.
Body paragraph 2
Secondly
Linking Words
, unless old
people
Use synonyms
 are working
in
Change preposition
apply
show examples
somewhere, they may face some hardships,
such
Linking Words
 as
,
Punctuation problem
apply
show examples
healthy
Replace the word
health
 problems and financial burden, because they do not spend time
to exercise
Wrong verb form
exercising
show examples
 and
Use synonyms
work
Wrong verb form
working
show examples
 during their old
Use synonyms
period
Check wording
age
show examples
.
with
Capitalize the word
With
show examples
 increasing
competation
Correct your spelling
competition
 in workplaces, many managers are choosing older
people
Use synonyms
,
which
Correct pronoun usage
who
show examples
 have a lot
experience
Change preposition
of experience
show examples
 and
knowladge
Correct your spelling
knowledge
 about jobs.
For example
Linking Words
,
In
Fix capitalization
in
show examples
 Uzbekistan, many
campanies
Correct your spelling
companies
 prefer older
people
Use synonyms
than
Change preposition
to
show examples
 younger
once
Use the right word
ones
show examples
. Moroever most company owners offer high salaries to
older
Correct article usage
the older
show examples
 population,
therefore
Linking Words
 older
people
Use synonyms
 should continue working as
worker
Fix the agreement mistake
workers
show examples
 if it is possible
to
Change preposition
for
show examples
 them.
Conclusion
In conclusion,
while
Linking Words
 some older
people
Use synonyms
 are not choosing
work
Use synonyms
 in
thier
Correct your spelling
their
 old
Use synonyms
period
Check wording
age
show examples
,
i
Fix capitalization
I
show examples
 believe that it is the best way to achieve success,
although
Linking Words
 they
reached
Verb problem
have reached
show examples
to
Change preposition
apply
show examples
old
ages
Check wording
age
show examples
.

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task response
Make your main view clear in the first part: you agree, but only when the job is safe and the person is well enough to work. This will make your answer more balanced.
task response
Explain each main idea more fully. For example, say how work can give money, daily purpose, and social contact. Then explain why hard or long work can harm some older people.
task response
Be careful with ideas about health. Work does not always stop illness. Say that light, suitable work may help people stay active, while hard work may make health problems worse.
task response
Use examples that clearly support your point. Your grandfather is a useful example, but explain why his manager job suits his age and skills.
coherence and cohesion
Use a clearer four-part plan: introduction, first reason, second reason, conclusion. Give one main idea in each body part.
coherence and cohesion
Start each body part with a clear main sentence. For example: "First, working can help older people pay for their needs." Then add reasons and an example.
coherence and cohesion
Link ideas with simple words such as "First", "Also", "However", "For example", and "As a result". Do not join too many ideas in one long sentence.
coherence and cohesion
Keep your view the same throughout. You first mention both good and bad sides, but later you mainly say all older people should work. State that work should depend on health and the type of job.
task response
You answer the question and clearly show that you agree with older people working when possible.
task response
You give relevant ideas about money, health, experience, and family support.
task response
The example of your grandfather makes the essay more personal and helps show how older workers can use their experience.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has an introduction, two main body parts, and a conclusion.
coherence and cohesion
You try to use linking words such as "therefore", "for example", and "in conclusion" to connect your ideas.
Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • Cognitive decline
  • Mental and emotional well-being
  • Social interaction
  • Financial stability
  • Sense of purpose
  • Self-worth
  • Physical health
  • Skill utilization
  • Experience
  • Flexible working hours
  • Generational gap
  • Elderly individuals
  • Retirement
  • Workplace
  • Economic contribution
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