IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

In some cities public parks and open spaces are being changed into gardens where local residents can grow their own fruit and vegatables. Do the advantages outweigh the disadvantages?

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Introduction
Free places and social parks are transforming into
gardens
Use synonyms
 in a proportion of cities, where citizens are allowed to plant their
personal
Correct word choice
own
show examples
fruits
Use synonyms
 and
vegetables
Use synonyms
.
This
Linking Words
 essay will examine the merits and drawbacks of
this
Linking Words
 trend and figure out which one outweighs the other
Body paragraph 1
Initially
Linking Words
, private growing will notably increase the availability of food, and reduce reliance on supermarkets; the primary reason being that households will be sufficient from
fruits
Use synonyms
 and
vegetables
Use synonyms
.
In addition
Linking Words
, as small plants grow, they will become large trees that
consumes
Correct subject-verb agreement
consume
show examples
 carbon dioxide, which is beneficial for the environment, as it reduces temperatures. A clear example of
this
Linking Words
 can be seen in Riyadh, where recent statistics from the University of Sultan revealed that the average temperatures in Riyadh dropped by 6-7 degrees,
as a result
Linking Words
to
Change preposition
of
show examples
 the massive planting of
fruits
Use synonyms
 and
vegetables
Use synonyms
.
Body paragraph 2
However
Linking Words
, some individuals may do selfish actions,
such
Linking Words
 as dominating all the open
gardens
Use synonyms
 given to citizens, and use
it
Fix the agreement mistake
them
show examples
 for their own interest; to put it differently, there will be significant unfairness in the distribution of free
gardens
Use synonyms
 among people.
Moreover
Linking Words
,
this
Linking Words
 indirectly affects the economy negatively; to illustrate, small and medium shops will suffer because all consumers are
being
Verb problem
becoming
show examples
 independent and
grow
Wrong verb form
growing
show examples
 their own
vegetables
Use synonyms
 and
fruits
Use synonyms
.
For instance
Linking Words
, massive shop closures are observed in Paris after the
ministries council
Fix capitalization
Ministry Council
show examples
 decided to change public parks to free
gardens
Use synonyms
.
Conclusion
In conclusion,
although
Linking Words
this
Linking Words
 transformation may cause some economic and social issues, I firmly believe that individual independence in receiving nutrition is a substantial advantage that benefits residents.

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task response
You answer both sides and give a clear view at the end. To make your answer stronger, explain more clearly why the good points are greater than the bad points. For example, say why food and green space are more important than the loss for small shops.
task response
Some ideas need more care. People who grow a few plants may not fully stop buying food from shops. Also, fruit and vegetable plants do not always grow into large trees. Use ideas that are more likely and easy to prove.
task response
Your city examples sound very exact, but they are not explained enough. It is safer to use a general example, or explain how the example shows your main point.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear start, two main body parts, and an ending. This makes it easy to follow.
coherence and cohesion
Each body part has a main idea, but some links between ideas are too quick. Add one or two sentences to show the full chain: gardens give food, food costs may fall, and this can help some families.
coherence and cohesion
Use linking words with care. Phrases such as "the primary reason being" and "to put it differently" do not always make the meaning clearer. Short links such as "because", "also", "however", and "therefore" will make your writing smoother.
coherence and cohesion
Keep key words the same. You use "public parks", "open spaces", "open gardens", and "free gardens" for similar places. Choose one or two terms and use them through the essay.
task response
You discuss both the good and bad sides, and your final view is clear.
task response
The points about local food, the environment, fair use of land, and small shops are all related to the question.
coherence and cohesion
The order of ideas is clear: benefits first, problems next, then your own view.
coherence and cohesion
You use paragraphing well, and the opening and ending match the main topic.
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