Some people believe that women should play an equal role to men in a country's police or military forces, while others think that women are not suitable for these kinds of jobs. Discuss both views and give your own opinion.

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Introduction
Nowadays, there are ongoing debate that 0women should have the same opportunities as men in the
police
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and military.
Whereas
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some people think
women
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are unsuitable for these types of professions, others believe that there should be equal opportunities for
women
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working these jobs. I firmly believe
women
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should be given the same allowance to work these professions.
Body paragraph 1
On the one hand, there are enough reasons why some people believe females are not suitable for working in a
police
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or government-related position.
Firstly
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, there are some dire requirements, including
,
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apply
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being enduring and resilient. There are some challenging duties,
such
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as carrying heavy items, which require a great deal of physical strength.
Secondly
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, military personnel may be required to work in extremely demanding conditions for long periods, which can make these careers challenging.
For example
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, many
police
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workers are transferred to other regions, where the living quality is low. These demands can cause pressing difficulties for females.
Body paragraph 2
On the other hand
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, there are strict requirements not only for physical strength, but
also
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for indispensable skills. Being a master in decision-making, problem-solving, and communication is necessary for military jobs. It is a fact that most
women
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contribute more significantly than
males
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men
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. More importantly, employees should focus on merit-based strategies. Namely, choosing a worker focusing on skills is more paramount than
a
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apply
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gender. There are some females
,
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apply
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who are better in both physical and educational ability.
As a result
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, there should be an equal workplace for them. Working in the
police
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,
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apply
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or military profession helps them to assimilate important skills
,
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apply
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in the future.
For instance
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, they have experience and the ability to steer in emergencies.
Conclusion
To sum up
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,
although
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military and
police
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jobs are challenging and demanding, there should be gender equality. The most appropriate approach is to assess applicants
according to
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their physical, mental and professional degree rather than their genders.

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task response
You discuss both sides and give your own view clearly. To improve, explain why women can do these jobs with more care. Avoid broad claims such as “most women contribute more than males”, as this is not proved and may weaken your point.
task response
Use more clear and real examples. For example, women may be good at talking to victims, gathering facts, leading teams, or making calm choices in hard times. Explain how each example supports equal chances.
task response
Some ideas are not fully clear. “Equal workplace” should be “equal opportunities”, and “physical, mental and professional degree” should be “physical, mental and work skills”. Make your main point direct: all people should be judged by their ability, not sex.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear four-part shape: introduction, one side, the other side, and conclusion. This helps the reader follow your ideas.
coherence and cohesion
Make the links between ideas smoother. In the first main part, explain that hard physical work is one reason some people have this view, then show why this does not apply to every woman. In the second part, move from skills to your main rule: choose the best person for the job.
coherence and cohesion
Some sentences do not connect well or use unclear words. For example, “employees should focus on merit-based strategies” is not natural here. Write: “Police and military forces should choose people based on their skills and ability.”
coherence and cohesion
Keep key words the same. Use “police and military jobs” or “the police and military” instead of changing to “government-related position”, “military personnel”, and “workers”. This makes the essay easier to read.
task response
You answer all parts of the question: you present both views and state your own opinion from the start.
coherence and cohesion
Each main part has a clear main idea, and your conclusion returns to your view that people should be judged by ability rather than sex.
coherence and cohesion
You use helpful linking words such as “On the one hand”, “On the other hand”, “For example”, and “To sum up”.
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