IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

In many countries around the world young people decide to leave their parents’ home once they finish school. They start living on their own or share a home with friends. Do you agree or disagree with this approach? Give your opinion

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Introduction
Leaving a guardian's house after finishing high school for young people is a common concept in various nations across the world, where they mostly reside individually or share accommodation with colleagues. From my perspective, I largely agree with
this
Linking Words
 trend.
Body paragraph 1
Initially
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, taking personal responsibility at an early age boosts confidence and acquires the person with independence skills, which is crucial for marriage and raising children.
In addition
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, the substantial free
time
Use synonyms
 helps him to innovate new things, primarily because boredom lets people do anything to enjoy. Unlike living with parents, where
time
Use synonyms
 is wasted
with
Change preposition
on
show examples
 family dinners and occasions.
Therefore
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, living individually improves critical thinking and
problem solving
Correct your spelling
problem-solving
 skills.
For instance
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, recent statistics from MIT University revealed that 63 per cent of entrepreneurs and founders in Washington state have left their
parent's
Fix the agreement mistake
parents'
show examples
 home at the age of 18, and stated that the availability of
time
Use synonyms
 was a big factor for initiating their companies.
Body paragraph 2
Furthermore
Linking Words
,
this
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 improves the learner's performance at university and part-
time
Use synonyms
 jobs, because living individually with no distractions helps him to dedicate his
time
Use synonyms
for
Change preposition
to
show examples
 studies and work, which is essential for future success and achievements.
Moreover
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, privacy is important for every human being.
However
Linking Words
, residing with parents may minimise it. A clear example of
this
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 can be seen in some students,
where they
Correct pronoun usage
who
show examples
 are not satisfied with their parents' constant questions
,
Punctuation problem
apply
show examples
 and demand freedom.
Conclusion
In conclusion, living alone brings crucial benefits,
such
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 as confidence and
ability
Correct article usage
the ability
show examples
 to solve issues individually. It
also
Linking Words
 helps people to balance between college and
partial
Correct word choice
part-time
show examples
 work.

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task response
Your view is clear: you agree that young people should leave home after school. Keep this view clear in every part of the essay.
task response
Give a more balanced view. Say that living alone can be good, but it may also bring high costs, stress, and less help from family. Then explain why you still agree.
task response
Some main ideas need more support. For example, explain how paying bills, cooking, and making daily plans can build confidence and help people in later life.
task response
The point about boredom leading to new ideas is not fully clear. Use a stronger point, such as learning to manage money, time, and home work.
task response
The MIT example sounds very exact, but it is not explained well. Use a simple, realistic example from a student or young worker instead, unless you are sure the study is true.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear start, two body parts, and an ending. This makes it easy to follow.
coherence and cohesion
Make each body part focus on one main idea. The first part moves from confidence to free time, boredom, family meals, and problem solving. These ideas do not all link well.
coherence and cohesion
Use clearer links between cause and result. For example: “As a result, they learn to make choices on their own.” This will help the reader follow your ideas.
coherence and cohesion
Do not say family dinners are a waste of time. This is too strong and does not fit well with your main point. Say that living apart may give young people more control over their daily time.
coherence and cohesion
In the ending, restate your main reasons in a clear way. You can mention independence, time control, and work or study, but avoid adding new ideas.
task response
You answer the question directly and give a clear opinion from the start.
task response
You give several reasons for your view, including independence, study, work, and privacy.
coherence and cohesion
The essay uses clear paragraph breaks and includes both an introduction and a conclusion.
coherence and cohesion
Words such as “Initially”, “Furthermore”, “Moreover”, and “In conclusion” help show the order of your ideas.
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