IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

Some people believe that the best way to reduce crime is to give longer prison sentences. Others think there are better ways to reduce crime. Discuss both views and give your opinion.

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Introduction
In current
society
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, there is a contentious topic on whether
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
criminals should be given longer
prison
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 sentences to reduce
crime
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.
While
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 some people assert
such
Linking Words
punish
Replace the word
punishment
 is unnecessary, I am convinced that longer
prison
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 sentences are beneficial.
Body paragraph 1
On the one hand, the opponents argue that
longer
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a longer
show examples
prison
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 term runs counter to the basic human right of freedom. There are some alternatives to
such
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punishment
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, especially when the
crime
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 is not severe.
For example
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, a thief can be asked to help
in
Change preposition
with
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 community services.
Moreover
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, more severe
punishment
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 may backfire and encourage criminals' families to take revenge.
As a result
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, the
crimie
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crime
 rate rises
instead
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 of declines, leading to a vicious circle in
society
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.
However
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,
such
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 mercy is not practical in real life and can easily be misused.
Body paragraph 2
On the other hand
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, long-term
prison
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 can act as
an
Correct article usage
a
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 deterrent to potential
crime
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. Realised the correspondence, people will weigh up the costs and rewards of commiting
crime
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.
In contrast
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, if there is no cost at distrupting the
society
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, the dignity of legislation and police will
disapear
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disappear
. In
this
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 term, applying strict
punishment
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 is a way to avoid
crime
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.
Furthermore
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,
longer
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a longer
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punishment
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 sentence is the best approach to guarantee that those offenders can no longer pose a threat to the public.
For instance
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, the victims don't have to
worried
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worry
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 about the chance to encounter the culprits again.
Conclusion
In conclusion, long-term sentences seem to be too harsh for the criminals, but I believe
such
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punishment
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 is a better option for
the
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apply
show examples
society
Use synonyms
 and the victims.

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Task response
You discuss both sides and give a clear view. However, the first side is weaker. Explain more clearly why other ways, such as help for the public, can cut crime. Your own view is clear, but it needs more support.
Task response
Be careful not to change the other view. The topic says there may be better ways to cut crime. It does not only say that long prison time is against freedom. Add ideas such as work, school, help for drug use, and support after prison.
Task response
Your examples are linked to the topic, but they are short. For example, explain how public work can teach a thief to take care of others, or how help after prison may stop a person from doing crime again.
Coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear shape: an opening, two main parts, and an ending. The links "On the one hand" and "On the other hand" help the reader follow your ideas.
Coherence and cohesion
Some links between ideas need to be clearer. In the first main part, you say long prison time may lead to revenge, then say mercy is not practical. This moves back to your own view too soon. Keep the first part fully on the other view, then give your view in the next part.
Coherence and cohesion
Use clear word forms and simple full sentences. For example, write "a long prison sentence can act as a deterrent" and "people will realize the link." Also write "victims do not have to worry" rather than "don't have to worried."
Coherence and cohesion
Avoid very strong claims without proof, such as saying long prison is "the best approach." A more balanced line is: "Longer sentences may be needed for serious crime, but other steps are also useful for less serious crime."
Task response
You answer all parts of the question: you show both views and state your own view from the start to the end.
Task response
Your point that long prison time can keep dangerous people away from the public is clear and relevant.
Coherence and cohesion
Each main part has a main idea, and the ending repeats your main view clearly.
Coherence and cohesion
You use some useful linking words, such as "For example," "Moreover," "Furthermore," and "In conclusion."
Topic Vocabulary:
  • crime
  • prison
  • jail
  • sentence
  • longer
  • punishment
  • deter
  • deterrence
  • keep safe
  • remove danger
  • cost
  • money
  • crowding
  • rehab
  • rehabilitation
  • prevention
  • education
  • jobs
  • housing
  • health
  • mental health
  • addiction
  • early intervention
  • support
  • programs
  • probation
  • community service
  • fines
  • alternative penalties
  • fairness
  • justice
  • equal
  • repeat crime
  • reoffend
  • root causes
  • poverty
  • policy
  • government
  • invest
  • effectiveness
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