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Band 3.5

Art classes, such as painting and drawing are as important to a child's development as other subjects, so it should be compulsory in highschools. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

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Introduction
Importance
Correct article usage
The importance
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 of teaching creative artwork, and
implementation
Correct determiner usage
its implementation
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of it
Change preposition
apply
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as a compulsory subject in
schools
Punctuation problem
schools,
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 is
matter
Correct article usage
a matter
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 of intellectual debate. I believe
,
Correct word choice
that
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 painting, drawing
and
Punctuation problem
, and
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 relevant creative activities must be necessary
at
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in
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 initial classes in schools to develop innovative skills in kids’ brains.
Body paragraph 1
First and foremost,
government
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the government
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 should collaborate with educational institutes to develop a system
which give
Correct subject-verb agreement
that gives
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 paramount importance to innovative work in
early
Correct article usage
the early
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 stages of education.
Along with
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 other class
periods
Punctuation problem
periods,
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 fine
arts
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 must be
integral
Correct article usage
an integral
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 part of time table.
In addition
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 to that, institutes must hire professional staff for developing innovative skills
such
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 as painting, drawing, calligraphy, writing and other relevant
arts
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 projects. To exemplify, Beacon House school in Pakistan pays special attention
on
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to
show examples
 creativity development in pupils,
therefore
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 their students are often
recognizing
Wrong verb form
recognised
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 as most competent in imaginative works.
Body paragraph 2
Furthermore
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, Modern technological growth can play
significant
Correct article usage
a significant
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 role in
enhancement
Correct article usage
the enhancement
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 of creativity and artwork. Educational institutes must ensure that they are adapting
with
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to the
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 latest technologies to
maximize
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maximise
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 development in
artwork
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the arts
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.
Additionally
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, parents should not just insist
high
Correct word choice
that high
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school’s
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school
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 representatives
to
Wrong verb form
apply
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make fine
arts
Use synonyms
as
Correct determiner usage
a
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 compulsory subject,
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also
Correct word choice
but also
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 they have to collaborate with kids to practice it at home.
For instance
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, Artificial intelligence serves as a dynamic tool in the fine
arts
Use synonyms
, acting as a co-creator, analytical instrument, and medium for experimental expression
Conclusion
In conclusion, schools should make fine
arts
Use synonyms
as
Correct determiner usage
a
show examples
 compulsory subject,
it
Correct word choice
as it
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 will primarily improve
problem solving
Correct your spelling
problem-solving
 and imaginative skills of pupils
which
Punctuation problem
, which
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 will
consequently
Linking Words
 enhance their productivity in upcoming practical and professional life.

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task response
State your view more clearly in the first paragraph. You say art must be necessary in early school years, but the question is about high schools. Explain if you agree that it should be a must in high school too.
task response
Develop the main reason more fully. Explain how painting and drawing help children think, solve problems, share ideas, or do better in other school work.
task response
Keep each paragraph close to the question. The part about new technology and AI is not well linked to whether art should be a must subject. Use this space to explain your main view instead.
task response
Use examples that clearly prove your point. The school example is useful, but explain what its students do better and why this shows that art classes matter.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear start, two main body parts, and an ending. Make the link between these parts stronger by giving one main idea in each body paragraph.
coherence and cohesion
Some sentences are very long and join too many ideas. Break them into shorter sentences so the reader can follow your point more easily.
coherence and cohesion
Use linking words with care. Words such as 'first', 'also', 'for example', and 'as a result' can show the order of your ideas. Do not add a new point after 'in addition' unless it supports the same main idea.
coherence and cohesion
Keep the same words for key ideas. Use 'art classes' or 'fine arts' often, rather than changing to many broad terms like 'innovative work' and 'artwork', as these can make your meaning less clear.
task response
You give a clear general view that art helps children build creative and useful skills.
task response
You include examples from a school and from home, which shows an effort to support your ideas.
coherence and cohesion
The essay has a clear opening and a closing paragraph, and the ending returns to the main point.
coherence and cohesion
You use paragraph breaks and some clear linking words, such as 'First and foremost', 'Furthermore', and 'In conclusion'.
Use a variety of complex and simple sentences

You should use complex sentences in your writing, but it does not mean that you should try to make all of our sentences complex.

‘Complex’ sentences are not actually very complex; they are just two or more simple sentences put together. Putting them together makes the essay more coherent and cohesive.

Examples:

I really want to study but I’m too tired.

I wore a warm coat because the weather was cold.

If action is not taken soon on climate change, global warming will get worse.

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