IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Some people believe that allowing children to make their own choices on everyday matters (such as food, clothes and entertainment) is likely to result in a society of individuals who only think about their own wishes. Other people believe that it is important for children to make decisions about matters that affect them. Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.”

✍️ Want to check your own essay?Write on this topic →
Introduction
Some people think that
children
Use synonyms
 should not make their own
choices
Use synonyms
 because they may become selfish.
However
Linking Words
, other people think that
children
Use synonyms
 should make
decisions
Use synonyms
 about things that affect them.
This
Linking Words
 essay will discuss both views and give my opinion.
Body paragraph 1
On the one hand,
children
Use synonyms
 making their own
choices
Use synonyms
 can have some disadvantages. If
children
Use synonyms
 always choose what they want, they may think only about themselves.
For example
Linking Words
, a child may want to eat sweets every day or watch television for many hours.
This
Linking Words
 can make
children
Use synonyms
 less responsible
and
Punctuation problem
, and
show examples
 they may not listen to their
parents
Use synonyms
.
Therefore
Linking Words
,
parents
Use synonyms
 should control some
choices
Use synonyms
 to teach
children
Use synonyms
 good behaviour.
Body paragraph 2
On the other hand
Linking Words
,
children
Use synonyms
 should have some opportunities to make
decisions
Use synonyms
.
This
Linking Words
 can help them become more independent and confident.
For example
Linking Words
,
parents
Use synonyms
 can allow
children
Use synonyms
 to choose their clothes or decide what food they want to eat sometimes. In
this
Linking Words
 way,
children
Use synonyms
 can learn how to make simple
decisions
Use synonyms
 and understand the results of their
choices
Use synonyms
.
Conclusion
In conclusion,
children
Use synonyms
 making their own
choices
Use synonyms
 can have both advantages and disadvantages. In my opinion,
children
Use synonyms
 should be allowed to make some
decisions
Use synonyms
, but
parents
Use synonyms
 should give them suitable limits and guidance.

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site's author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task response
You discuss both sides and give your own view. To make your answer stronger, explain more clearly why choice may lead to self-only thinking, and why choice can help a child care about others too.
task response
Your examples fit the main ideas, but they are quite simple. Add one more clear example, such as a child choosing a game with friends and learning to take turns.
task response
Make your own view a little more complete. Say which choices children can make, and which choices parents should still control, such as food, health, or school work.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear order: first one view, then the other view, then your own view. Keep this strong plan in future essays.
coherence and cohesion
Use a few more linking words to show the link between ideas. For example: "As a result", "At the same time", "For this reason", and "In contrast".
coherence and cohesion
Some ideas could be joined more smoothly. After the sweets and television example, explain directly how this may make a child think only about what they want.
task response
You answer all parts of the question: you show both views and state your own opinion.
task response
The examples about sweets, television, clothes, and food are relevant and easy to understand.
coherence and cohesion
Each main paragraph has one clear main idea, so the reader can follow your writing easily.
coherence and cohesion
The introduction and conclusion are clear, and the conclusion gives a balanced view with parents' help and limits.
Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately

Linking words are very important in your essay.

To score effectively on your IELTS exam, you should make an effort to implement short concise sentences coupled with linking words.

Almost every sentence in your essay should have a linking word of some sort.

In fact, the only sentences that can omit linking words are your background sentence and thesis.

Linking word examples:

  • firstly
  • secondly
  • thirdly
  • in additional
  • moreover
  • also
  • for example
  • for instance
  • therefore
  • however
  • although
  • even though
  • despite

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • Autonomy
  • Consequence-awareness
  • Self-centered
  • Informal decision-making education
  • Child development
  • Age-appropriate choices
  • Cognitive growth
  • Fostering independence
  • Parental guidance
  • Societal norms
  • Interpersonal consideration
  • Balance of freedom
  • Individualism versus collectivism
  • Experience-based learning
What to do next:
Look at other essays: