IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

While mobile phones have many advantages, a number of problems have also resulted from them or the ways in which they are used. What are some of these problems? What solutions can you suggest for solving these problems?

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Introduction
Despite having several advantages Mobile
phones
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 have caused a lot of
problems
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or being
Correct word choice
when
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 used in a improver way.
This
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 essay will talk about some of the major
problems
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 involving both young adults and
older
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the older
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 generation.
Also
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, will disscuss about the potential solution to all these
problems
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.
Body paragraph 1
Mobile
phones
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 are developed to help
people
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 not only communicate with each other but to
many
Verb problem
do many
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 more things
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such
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, such
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 as record memories, keep notes, browse various sites on
internet
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the internet
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, and many more.
However
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, with all these benefits
comes
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come
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 security and privacy issues as well. The more we rely on
these
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this
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 technology, we get
vunerable
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vulnerable
 to
the
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apply
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cybercrimes.
People
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from
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of
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 all ages are becoming victims
to
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of
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 all these attacks. It has become very common in teenagers to get bullied online,
many
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and many
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 young girls are
getting assulted
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being assaulted
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. Even the olderly
people
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 are falling for scams, which
involves
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involve
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 their important data being stolen from their devices.
As a result
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, it is not safe to fully depend on mobile
phones
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.
Body paragraph 2
Even with all these
problems
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mobile
Punctuation problem
, mobile
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phones
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 have become a
neccessity
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necessity
 and
people
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 can no longer function without one.
Hence
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, it is important to find
solution
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a solution
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 to handle every emerging problem. I believe that to make mobile
phone
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phones
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 safe for everyone to use,
government
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governments
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 in every country should create a law,
strict
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and strict
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 punishment should be given to those caught using
it
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them
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 in a bad way.
Moreover
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, security measures should be
strengthen
Wrong verb form
strengthened
show examples
 so that it would be difficult for hackers to hack the device.
Body paragraph 3
Also
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, it is responsbility of consumers as well to be aware of all the scams and should not fall for
it
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them
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, verification checks should be followed before responding to any
unknow
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unknown
 calls or text messages.
Conclusion
As a result
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,
people
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 should use
the
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apply
show examples
mobile
phones
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 carefully by keeping in mind that
it
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they
show examples
 can cause major harm if used incorrectly.

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task response
You answer both parts of the task: you name problems and give ways to deal with them. To make your answer stronger, choose two clear problems, such as online bullying and phone scams, and explain each one in more detail.
task response
Some ideas are too broad. For example, say how online bullying harms young people, or how a scam can cause an older person to lose money. Then give one direct solution for each problem.
task response
Your ideas about laws and better phone safety are useful. Make them more clear by saying who should act: the government can punish online crime, phone firms can improve safety, and users can learn how to spot scams.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear start, body paragraphs, and an ending. The order is easy to follow: first problems, then solutions, then a final message.
coherence and cohesion
Make the link between each problem and its solution closer. For example, after online bullying, give a solution such as reporting tools, school help, and strong action against the person who bullies others.
coherence and cohesion
Avoid very long sentences with many ideas. Split them into two shorter sentences so the meaning is clearer. This is very important in the first body paragraph.
coherence and cohesion
Use linking words with care. You use 'However', 'Hence', 'Moreover', and 'As a result' well, but do not use 'As a result' when you only mean a final thought. Try 'In short' or 'Overall' for the last paragraph.
task response
You give relevant problems: privacy loss, online bullying, scams, and stolen personal data. These fit the topic well.
task response
You give practical answers, including laws, punishment for online crime, stronger safety systems, and user care.
coherence and cohesion
The main plan is clear. The reader can see your view in the introduction and follow your move from problems to solutions.
coherence and cohesion
Your ending returns to the main point that people should use phones with care.
Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • advantages
  • problems
  • solutions
  • distractions
  • health
  • social isolation
  • community
  • addiction
  • interaction
  • productivity
  • attention
  • excessive
  • breaks
  • promote
  • users
  • awareness
  • well-being
  • management
  • effective
  • strains
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