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Writing Samples
Band 6.5

Some people argue that primary schools focus too much on formal learning. To what extent do you agree with this opinion? How important do you think it is for children to play as well as learn in the primary school classroom? Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.

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Introduction
There is a perspective that some adults complain that some primary
schools
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 only concentrate on academic studies. I totally understand
this
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 complaint, and I fully agree with it. I believe that playing is still more important for pupils of primary
school
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 than academic learning.
Body paragraph 1
Many parents and teachers have forced their children, or students, to spend tons of time studying when they are still young, as primary schoolers.
This
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 is because they believe a great performance in academic courses allows their children are able to enter a good secondary
school
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 and
finally
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 makes them successful in the future.
For example
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, many parents are so anxious about the grades of their kids rather than the behaviours in
school
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. They think good grades could make their kids successful in coping with all the problems they will be facing in future.
As a result
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, many young people become depressed or have psychological illnesses throughout their entire
life
Fix the agreement mistake
lives
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, because of the misleading nature of
this
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 view.
Body paragraph 2
In fact, as a pupil in primary
schools
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, playing is still a great way of learning, which is able to polish their decent habits, build suitable behaviors and most importantly, deal with difficulties and problems. These personalities can help them to handle complex plans and make decisions wisely, and they would use these problem-solving techniques daily when they become older.
For instance
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, kids could learn how to play a useful role in a team by playing some group games,
such
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 as playing football.
Therefore
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, in my opinion, students of primary
schools
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 should participate in many game activities and play a variety of activities.
Conclusion
In conclusion, I strongly agree with the view that certain
schools
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 focus too much on formal studying in primary education. I fully believe that playing in primary
school
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 is beneficial for most of the young students who need social skills rather than those academic scores.

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task response
You answer both parts of the question. Your main view is clear: schools give too much time to study, and play is very important. To make the answer stronger, explain more clearly why play may be more useful than class work at this age. Also, avoid saying that play is always more important; show how play and learning can work well together.
task response
Your reasons are useful: too much study can cause stress, while games can teach team work and problem solving. Add one more clear example, such as a class game where children learn to share, wait, or plan with others. This would make your ideas more full.
task response
Some claims are too strong. For example, say that too much pressure can make some children feel sad or worried, rather than saying it can cause problems for their whole life. This will make your ideas sound more fair and believable.
coherence and cohesion
The essay has a clear start, two main body parts, and an ending. Keep this shape. Each body part has one main idea, so it is easy to follow.
coherence and cohesion
Make the link between ideas smoother. For example, after the point about stress, explain how play can lower this stress before moving to its other good points. Use simple links such as “Also”, “For this reason”, and “In contrast” only when they show a clear link.
coherence and cohesion
Use the same key words more carefully. “Children”, “primary school pupils”, and “students” all work, but choose one or two forms and use them in a steady way. Also, “game activities” and “play a variety of activities” can be made simpler: “take part in games” or “have time to play.”
task response
Your opinion is clear from the start and stays the same to the end. You also answer the question about the value of play.
task response
The football example is relevant and clearly shows how games can help children learn to work in a team.
coherence and cohesion
The main ideas are in a good order: first the harm of too much study, then the good side of play, and finally a short ending.
coherence and cohesion
The use of “For example”, “As a result”, “For instance”, and “Therefore” helps the reader see the flow of your ideas.
Use a variety of complex and simple sentences

You should use complex sentences in your writing, but it does not mean that you should try to make all of our sentences complex.

‘Complex’ sentences are not actually very complex; they are just two or more simple sentences put together. Putting them together makes the essay more coherent and cohesive.

Examples:

I really want to study but I’m too tired.

I wore a warm coat because the weather was cold.

If action is not taken soon on climate change, global warming will get worse.

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