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Writing Samples
Band 6

Nowadays, it is easier for young people to have a credit card compared to the past. Do the advantages of this trend outweigh the disadvantages?

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Introduction
In
this
Linking Words
 modern era, it is undeniable that financial institutions mostly try to bring young customers to make a profit. Some individuals believe that these days, young people can easily get a
credit
Use synonyms
 card from financial institutions more easily than before. I believe
this
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 trend has more advantages than disadvantages, and I will explain my thoughts with some reasons to provide support for them.
Body paragraph 1
On the one hand, young people will understand the value of
money
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. To illustrate, when
youngsters
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 spend the
money
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 from a
credit
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 card,
then
Linking Words
 they will have to pay it back in some time period, and
this
Linking Words
 responsibility will teach them the importance of
money
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.
Furthermore
Linking Words
, they will mature early when they have to make
money
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 to pay their
credit
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 bills.
For instance
Linking Words
, as per a recent report of the Department by the Indian Finance Department,
youngsters
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 do not waste their
money
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 in shopping or games anymore because they spend their
money
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 on things where they can make
money
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, because they do not want to pay
credit
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 bills from their pockets.
Body paragraph 2
On the other hand
Linking Words
, these
credit
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 cards can be a double-edged sword for some
youngsters
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 because they can spend that
money
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 in gambling or casinos or in illegal activities. To clarify, when folks get easy
money
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 at an early age, they usually get distracted, and make bad people friend by , which they enter in crime world.
For example
Linking Words
, one of the Indian Bollywood actors, Sanjay Dutt, said in an interview that he went to prison because he started getting
money
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 in early age, when he should have been playing with his friends.
Thus
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,
credit
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 cards could be dangerous for
youngsters
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.
Conclusion
In conclusion,
although
Linking Words
credit
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 cards can persuade some
youngsters
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 to do illegal activities
Correct word choice
,
show examples
while
Linking Words
 other
youngsters
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 can understand their responsibilities at an early age and the value of
money
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.
Thus
Linking Words
, the disadvantages of
this
Linking Words
 trend outweigh the advantages.

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task response
Give one clear answer from start to end. The first part says the good points are stronger, but the last line says the bad points are stronger. Choose one view and keep it.
task response
Explain why each main point shows that the good or bad side is stronger. For example, say how learning to pay bills can help young people in later life, and why this may be more important than the risks.
task response
Use examples that clearly fit credit cards. The film actor example is mainly about getting money young, not about using a credit card, so it is not a strong example here.
task response
Be careful with claims such as reports from a government office. Give a clear source only if you are sure it is real. A simple made-up or general example can be safer.
coherence and cohesion
Your four-part form is clear: opening, good side, bad side, and ending. Keep this form, but make the ending match the view in the opening.
coherence and cohesion
Start each body part with a direct main idea. For example: "Credit cards can teach young people to manage money." Then explain it and give one close example.
coherence and cohesion
Do not repeat the same idea many times. In the first body part, money, bills, work, and not wasting money are linked, but the links need to be shown step by step.
coherence and cohesion
Use simple linking words with care. "On the one hand" and "On the other hand" work well, but "Thus" should lead to an ending that follows the points before it.
task response
You discuss both the good and bad sides of easy credit card use by young people.
task response
You give clear main ideas about learning responsibility and the risk of harmful spending.
coherence and cohesion
The essay has a clear paragraph plan, with an opening, two body parts, and an ending.
coherence and cohesion
You use some helpful signposts, such as "For instance", "On the other hand", and "In conclusion".
Use a variety of complex and simple sentences

You should use complex sentences in your writing, but it does not mean that you should try to make all of our sentences complex.

‘Complex’ sentences are not actually very complex; they are just two or more simple sentences put together. Putting them together makes the essay more coherent and cohesive.

Examples:

I really want to study but I’m too tired.

I wore a warm coat because the weather was cold.

If action is not taken soon on climate change, global warming will get worse.

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