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Band 5.5

Nowadays, children watch much more television than they did in the past and spend less time being active or creative. What is the reason for this? What measures should be taken to encourage children to be more active?

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Introduction
One of the most pressing issues in recent years is whether
children
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 spend excessive
time
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on
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apply
show examples
watching
TV
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, compared with the past. I consider that
this
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 trend is attributable to the development of technology and eye-catching content on digital media. To tackle
this
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 issue, governments should involve teachers and
parents
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 to regulate screen
time
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 for
children
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 and allocate more
time
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 to regular physical exercise.
Body paragraph 1
To begin
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 with, there are several reasons why
children
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 are exposed to watching
TV
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 rather than engaging in physical
activities
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.
Firstly
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, a sedentary lifestyle has a significant effect on
children
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.
This
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 is mainly because
children
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 can easily be influenced by adults' lifestyles. Nowadays, a growing number of individuals tend to watch
TV
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 without doing a wide range of
activities
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,
such
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 as hiking, swimming, and camping.
Such
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 lifestyles can play an essential role in shaping
children
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's behaviours and habits.
For example
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, on weekends, most families are likely to stay at home and
do
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apply
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not make any plans to do creative
activities
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 with their
children
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.
Therefore
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, if
parents
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 are reluctant to encourage their
children
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 to take part in outdoor
activities
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.
This
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 can lead to constant exposure to watching
TV
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 all day.
Body paragraph 2
As the answer to
this
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 problem, I propose two solutions. First of all, the government should implement robust and intricate policies for
children
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 to regulate screen
time
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 in schools and at home.
Such
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 policies can play a vital role in raising awareness of specific screen-
time
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 regulations and
appropriate
Correct article usage
the appropriate
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 use of digital media. A good example of
this
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 is that the Australian government introduced a policy that
children
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 are not able to use any digital devices in schools.
This
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 can increase physical activity and interaction with peers in nature. Another measure is that teachers and childcare professionals can provide useful information related to
children
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's
activities
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,
such
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 as
children
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's nature events, camping club,
after
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after-school
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 and
before school
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before-school
 outdoor events. That information can support
parents
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' nurturing system, which can have positive impacts on
children
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's
overall
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 daily life.
Conclusion
In conclusion, I have discovered the reasons for a recent trend that
children
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 are exposed to
TV
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, the family environment
that is
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 exposed to watching
TV
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, and a sedentary routine. To address
this
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 issue, I propose that governments should impose a concrete policy to regulate
children
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's
screen-
Correct your spelling
screen time
time
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, and schools need to provide helpful information for
parents
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 to obtain creative
activities
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 for their
children
Use synonyms

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task response
Answer both parts more fully. Give clear reasons: easy TV access, fun shows, phones and tablets, and parents being busy. Then give clear steps: family time outside, sports at school, safe parks, and limits at home.
task response
Make each main idea more exact. The first body part says adults watch TV, but it does not fully explain why this makes children less active or less creative. Add one or two clear links between the cause and the result.
task response
Use examples that are clear and fully explained. The example about Australia needs a source or should be written as a general example. Explain how a no-device rule gives children more time to talk, play, and move.
coherence and cohesion
The essay has a clear start, two main parts, and an end. However, some sentences do not join well. For example, the sentence starting with “Therefore, if parents” is not complete. Join it to the next sentence or rewrite it.
coherence and cohesion
Keep one main point in each paragraph. In the first body paragraph, focus on family habits. In the second, separate what the government, schools, and parents should do, so the plan is easier to follow.
coherence and cohesion
Make the last paragraph shorter and clearer. Restate the two main causes and the main steps. Avoid new or unclear words such as “I have discovered” and “parents’ nurturing system.”
task response
You give a clear view from the start and offer more than one step to help children be more active.
task response
Your ideas about family habits, school rules, and outdoor events are on topic and useful.
coherence and cohesion
The essay follows a clear order: introduction, causes, solutions, and conclusion.
coherence and cohesion
Paragraphs begin with guiding phrases such as “To begin with” and “First of all,” which help the reader follow your ideas.
Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

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