IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Some people think that old buildings should be knocked down and give way to modern facilities. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

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Introduction
There is an ongoing debate about ancient
buildings
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, some arguing that ancient
buildings
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 should be knocked down and give space to build new facilities. In my opinion, I strongly agree, because old
buildings
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 are mostly
seperated
Correct your spelling
separated
 in small crowded
cities
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.
In addition
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, old
buildings
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 are designed completely different than modern houses.
Hence
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, old
buildings
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 should be knocked
to
Verb problem
down to
show examples
 enhance the
way
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people
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 live.
Body paragraph 1
On the one hand, one major reason to knock
old
Verb problem
down old
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buildings
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,
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apply
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 is that old
buildings
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mostly
Verb problem
are mostly
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 built in small
cities
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 and villages where
people
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 live.
This
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 is why small
cities
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always
Verb problem
are always
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 crowded.
For example
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, in
UAE
Correct article usage
the UAE
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, Ajman, a small city in the middle,
there is
Verb problem
has
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 a dense population,
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as well as
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and
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 old
buildings
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 are still not knocked,
therefore
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, it's a very crowded city.
Consequently
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, old
buildings
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 should be knocked
to
Verb problem
down to
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 avoid dense population.
Body paragraph 2
On the other hand
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, another reason why ancient
buildings
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 should be knocked
,
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down
show examples
 is how old
buildings
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 are designed. Old
buildings
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 are designed differently from
the
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apply
show examples
modern
buildings
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,
Punctuation problem
;
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 technology has improved,
the
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and the
show examples
way
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people
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 live has completely changed.
For instance
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,
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people
Check wording
the way people
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who
Correct pronoun usage
apply
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live in a village
,
Punctuation problem
apply
show examples
 the
way
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 they live it's not the same as the
way
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people
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 in modern
cities
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 live
, in
Punctuation problem
. In
show examples
 modern
cities
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,
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people
Check wording
people's
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 lives are more useful than
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people
Correct pronoun usage
those
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 who live in a village
, everything
Punctuation problem
. Everything
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 is smart in modern
cities
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.
Body paragraph 3
Therefore
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, to leads improving in
people
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's lives, modern facilities should be built in villages and small
cities
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instead
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 of old
buildings
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.
Conclusion
To sum up
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, from my perspective, I believe that old
buildings
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 should be knocked
to
Verb problem
down to
show examples
 enhance the
way
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how
Rephrase
apply
show examples
people
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 live,
as well as
Linking Words
preventing
Wrong verb form
prevent
show examples
 dense population.

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task response
Make your view clear from the start and keep it the same all the way through. You agree that old buildings should go, but you should also talk about why some old buildings may be important, such as for history or travel.
task response
Develop each main idea more fully. Explain how new homes or public places would solve the problem, and why this is better than fixing or changing old buildings.
task response
Use examples that clearly prove your point. The Ajman example needs more facts: say what old buildings cause, who is affected, and how new buildings would help.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear start, two body parts, and an ending. However, the first body part says old buildings cause crowded cities, but this link is not fully clear. Show the steps in your idea more carefully.
coherence and cohesion
Use one main idea in each paragraph. In the second body part, talk first about old building design, then explain modern needs, and then give one example. This will make the paragraph easier to follow.
coherence and cohesion
Use linking words with care. Words such as 'therefore' and 'consequently' should come only after a clear reason. Do not repeat 'old buildings should be knocked down' too often; use words like 'these places' or 'such buildings'.
coherence and cohesion
Check sentence links. For example, do not join full sentences with only a comma. Use a full stop, or use words such as 'because', 'while', or 'so' to show the link.
task response
You give a clear opinion and give two main reasons: space in crowded areas and the need for modern ways of life.
task response
You try to use a real place, Ajman, to support your first point.
coherence and cohesion
The essay follows a clear overall order: introduction, two main paragraphs, and conclusion.
coherence and cohesion
You use some helpful linking words, such as 'for example', 'on the one hand', and 'to sum up'.
Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

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