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Writing Samples
Band 5

In some cities, people are choosing cars instead of bicycles, while in other cities, cycling is replacing cars. Why is this the case? Which development do you think is better?

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Introduction
Nowadays, in urban areas, many individuals rely on private
cars
Use synonyms
 rather than bicycles,
while
Linking Words
 using
Use synonyms
bicycle
Check wording
bicycles
show examples
 is becoming common in other cities.
This
Linking Words
 is mainly because of convenience and quality of infrastructure, and I believe that using
Use synonyms
bicycle
Correct article usage
a bicycle
show examples
 is not only environmentally friendly, but
also
Linking Words
it
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
has a profound impact on health.
Body paragraph 1
There are several reasons why
cars
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 are preferred by many
people
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.
Firstly
Linking Words
,
cars
Use synonyms
 are more comfortable than
bikes
Use synonyms
. They offer a chance to travel long distances, regardless of condition of the weather
.
Check wording
conditions.
show examples
 They are
also
Linking Words
 convenient for families who need to transport heavy items and carry their children.
Secondly
Linking Words
, poor cycling infrastructures can discourage
people
Use synonyms
 from using
bikes
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. In cities without cycling roads and
lines
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lanes
show examples
,
people
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 should share busy roads with numerous
cars
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, making cycling inconvenient and unsafe.
As a result
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, residents use their own
cars
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, which are
practical
Correct article usage
a practical
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 and safe
types
Fix the agreement mistake
type
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 of transport.
Body paragraph 2
Conversely
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, riding
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bicycle
Correct article usage
a bicycle
show examples
 on a daily basis is becoming popular among individuals who have enough facilities,
such
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 as
bicycle
Use synonyms
lines
Check wording
lanes
show examples
, secure parking, and well-connected routes. Using
bikes
Use synonyms
 has enormous benefits for both residents and nature. First and foremost, it helps to alleviate environmental degradation. Bicycles do not emit toxic chemicals, which have a detrimental impact on nature.
Moreover
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, using them would be useful for
people
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, especially
who
Correct pronoun usage
those who
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 live
in
Change preposition
apply
show examples
a sedentary lifestyle. Cycling helps them to be both mentally and physically healthy.
Additionally
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, when many individuals use
bikes
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instead
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 of
cars
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, the number of traffic congestion
would
Check wording
incidents would
show examples
 be decreased.
Conclusion
To sum up
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,
people
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 choose
cars
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 because of
comfort
Correct article usage
the comfort
show examples
 they offer,
while
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other
Fix the agreement mistake
others
show examples
 tend to use bicycles. I believe that using eco-friendly
bikes
Use synonyms
 is preferable, particularly because both
environment
Correct article usage
the environment
show examples
 and citizens benefit noticeably from it.

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task response
You answer both parts of the question. To make your view stronger, explain more clearly why bikes are better even when cars are useful for families and long trips.
task response
Your main ideas are clear: cars are easy and safe, while bikes help health and the environment. Add one real or clear city example to make these ideas more convincing.
task response
Develop the point about traffic more. Explain that fewer cars can mean less time spent on the road and cleaner air for people in the city.
coherence and cohesion
The essay has a clear order: introduction, reasons for cars, reasons for bikes, and conclusion. This makes it easy to follow.
coherence and cohesion
Use linking words with more care. You use “Firstly”, “Secondly”, “Moreover”, and “Additionally” well, but some ideas can be linked more smoothly with words such as “because”, “therefore”, and “for example”.
coherence and cohesion
Keep the key words the same. Use “bicycles” or “bikes” in one way, and use “cycling lanes” instead of “bicycle lines” or “cycling roads” for clearer meaning.
coherence and cohesion
Some sentences can be made clearer. For example, change “the number of traffic congestion would be decreased” to “traffic congestion would decrease”.
task response
You give a direct opinion that cycling is the better development, and you support it with health and environmental reasons.
task response
You include useful reasons for choosing cars, such as bad weather, long trips, children, and heavy items.
coherence and cohesion
Each body paragraph has one main focus, so the reader can understand your ideas easily.
coherence and cohesion
The conclusion clearly repeats your main view and brings the essay to a natural end.
Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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