IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

In many parts of the world, more and more people are choosing to shop online rather than visiting physical retail stores. Is this a positive or negative development?

✍️ Want to check your own essay?Write on this topic →
Introduction
In some countries, buying things online has become insanely popular
and
Punctuation problem
, and
show examples
 many
people
Use synonyms
are preferring
Wrong verb form
prefer
show examples
 to shop online
instead
Linking Words
 of physically visiting a retail store.
While
Linking Words
this
Linking Words
 trend offers certain benefits, I believe it even brings some drawbacks, making it both
positive
Correct article usage
a positive
show examples
 and
negative
Correct article usage
a negative
show examples
 development.
Body paragraph 1
On the one hand, online shopping helps
people
Use synonyms
 save
time
Use synonyms
.
Individual
Fix the agreement mistake
Individuals
show examples
 with busy schedules often don't get
time
Use synonyms
 to shop in person,
such
Linking Words
 as office workers, working
for
Change preposition
apply
show examples
9 to 5. For
them
Add a comma
them,
show examples
 it is very convenient to shop online at any
time
Use synonyms
, even during their office
time
Use synonyms
without
Punctuation problem
, without
show examples
 wasting extra hours from their day.
Furthermore
Linking Words
,
people
Use synonyms
 get the option to read the reviews and can compare the price of
same
Correct article usage
the same
show examples
 products on various
platfroms
Correct your spelling
platforms
 before making a purchase.
Also
Linking Words
, many online
shoping
Correct your spelling
shopping
 platforms offer a wide variety of
collection
Fix the agreement mistake
collections
show examples
 and sometimes offer free delivery services as well
, it
Punctuation problem
. It
show examples
 is
benificial
Correct your spelling
beneficial
 for
Use synonyms
people
Punctuation problem
people,
show examples
 especially
who
Correct pronoun usage
those who
show examples
 live in
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
remote
area
Fix the agreement mistake
areas
show examples
 where there are very limited store are present.
Body paragraph 2
On the other hand
Linking Words
, there are several negative
consequence
Fix the agreement mistake
consequences
show examples
 to
this
Linking Words
 trend.
Firstly
Linking Words
,
people
Use synonyms
 have to trust online reviews
,
Punctuation problem
. While
show examples
while
Linking Words
 purchasing any product, a lot of the
time
Use synonyms
 consumers get scammed by
such
Linking Words
 good reviews and
ends
Correct subject-verb agreement
end
show examples
 up
reciving
Correct your spelling
receiving
 the defective product,
whereas
Linking Words
 if purchased in a physical store
buyers
Punctuation problem
, buyers
show examples
 can check the quality of an item
first hand
Correct your spelling
first-hand
.
Moreover
Linking Words
, many clothing stores even have a trial
rooms
Fix the agreement mistake
room
show examples
, where
people
Use synonyms
 can try it, before deciding to buy any item. Another
,
Punctuation problem
apply
show examples
disdavantage
Correct your spelling
disadvantage
 of online shopping is that, sometimes it takes a lot longer for a product to be delivered than the promised delivery date shown
while
Linking Words
 purchasing that item, which in
return
Check wording
turn
show examples
 can
leads
Wrong verb form
lead
show examples
 to
dissappointment
Correct your spelling
disappointment
.
Conclusion
In conclusion,
although
Linking Words
 online shopping offers
wide
Correct article usage
a wide
show examples
 variety and
felxiblity
Correct your spelling
flexibility
 of buying any
iteam
Correct your spelling
item
 without
living
Verb problem
leaving
show examples
 home, it can't provide the instant gratification after a purchase.
Therefore
Linking Words
, I would consider
this
Linking Words
 trend to be both positive and negative
Linking Words
Punctuation problem
, according
show examples
according to
Change preposition
depending on
show examples
 the person.

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site's author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task response
You answer the question and give a clear view that online shopping has both good and bad sides. However, the question asks if it is positive or negative. Make your own final view stronger. For example, say that it is mostly positive, but only if buyers use safe and trusted sites.
task response
Your main ideas are clear: online shopping saves time, gives more choice, and may cause poor quality or late delivery. Add one or two more real examples to explain why these points matter. For instance, explain how online shopping helps a person in a small town buy goods not sold near their home.
task response
Some points need more care. Saying that people can shop during office time is not a strong good point, as it may stop them from doing their work. Focus instead on shopping after work, at night, or when a person cannot travel.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear four-part plan: opening, good sides, bad sides, and ending. Keep this plan, but make the first paragraph more direct. State your main view in one simple sentence at the end of the opening.
coherence and cohesion
Use linking words in a more natural way. You use 'On the one hand', 'Furthermore', 'Moreover', and 'In conclusion' well. However, do not put too many ideas in one long sentence. Split long sentences so each sentence has one main point.
coherence and cohesion
Make the links between ideas clearer. For example, after talking about reviews and price checks, explain that this helps buyers make a better choice. After talking about late delivery, explain why this is a problem, such as when someone needs a gift or a work item quickly.
coherence and cohesion
Check basic word forms and spelling because they can make the flow less clear. For example: 'Individuals', 'platforms', 'shopping', 'beneficial', 'consequences', 'ends up receiving', 'disadvantage', 'disappointment', 'flexibility', and 'item'.
task response
You cover both sides of the topic with relevant ideas, and you explain each side rather than only listing points.
task response
The examples of busy workers, people in remote areas, trial rooms, and late delivery are closely linked to the topic.
coherence and cohesion
Each body paragraph has a clear main purpose: one focuses on good sides and the other focuses on bad sides.
coherence and cohesion
The ending returns to the main topic and gives a final view, so the essay feels complete.
Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: