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Writing Samples
Band 7

In some countries, there are many social problems involving teenagers. This is because parents spend much of their time at work not at home. Do you agree or disagree?

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Introduction
Some people believe that
teenagers
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 face social
problems
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 because their
parents
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 spend most of their
time
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 at
work
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. I agree with
this
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 view because
children
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 need proper
guidance
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 and
attention
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 during their crucial years.
Body paragraph 1
To begin
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 with, the primary reason is that
parents
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 are often busy with
work
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 and do not have enough
time
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 to spend with their
children
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. When they return home from
work
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, they are often tired and exhausted, so they may not have enough energy to play with their
children
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 or listen to how they spent their day.
Therefore
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,
due to
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 a lack of parental
attention
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, some
teenagers
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 may become involved in social
problems
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such
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 as drug use and illegal activities.
For example
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,
teenagers
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 who do not receive enough
attention
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 at home may spend more
time
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 with negative peer groups and develop harmful habits.
Body paragraph 2
Moreover
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,
parents
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 may be too busy with their own lives to monitor their
children
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's activities. They may not know what their
children
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 are watching on their phones or who their friends are. Nowadays, social media platforms can
also
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 contribute to
teenagers
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 becoming involved in social
problems
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. When nobody monitors
teenagers
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 or provides
guidance
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 on how to use these platforms responsibly, they may be exposed to harmful or misleading content.
As a result
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,
teenagers
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 may be negatively influenced and make inappropriate decisions because they lack proper
guidance
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 from their
parents
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.
Conclusion
In conclusion, when
parents
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 spend most of their
time
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 at
work
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 rather than with their
children
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,
teenagers
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 may not receive enough
attention
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 and
guidance
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.
Consequently
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, they may be more likely to become involved in social
problems
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.

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task response
Your view is clear from the start, and you stay with it. To make the answer stronger, explain more clearly why a lack of time at home leads to each problem. For example, show how less talk with parents can make a child trust the wrong friends.
task response
Your examples are on topic, but they are quite general. Add one short, clear real-life example, such as a child who is often alone after school and then starts to spend time with a bad group.
coherence and cohesion
The essay has a clear plan: an opening, two main parts, and an ending. Each part has one main idea. Keep this good order.
coherence and cohesion
The link words are used well, such as “To begin with”, “Moreover”, “Therefore”, and “As a result”. Try not to use “social problems” too many times. You can also say “these issues”, “bad behavior”, or “harmful acts” where it fits.
coherence and cohesion
Some ideas could join more smoothly. In the second main part, first explain that parents do not check phone use, then show how this can lead to harmful content and bad choices. This will make the chain of ideas even clearer.
task response
You answer the question directly and give two clear reasons for your view: less care at home and less checking of children’s lives.
task response
The points about bad friends, drug use, phone use, and harmful online content are all linked well to the main idea.
coherence and cohesion
Your paragraphs are easy to follow, and the ending clearly repeats your main view without adding a new idea.
coherence and cohesion
The use of cause-and-effect links helps the reader understand how busy parents may affect teenagers.
Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • social problems
  • teenagers
  • parental absence
  • work-life balance
  • parental guidance
  • peer influence
  • independence
  • community support
  • government initiatives
  • tackle
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