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Writing Samples
Band 7.5

Some parents think it is good to give their children mobile phones while others disagree. Discuss both views and give your opinion.

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Introduction
Some
parents
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 believe that giving
children
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 mobile
phones
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 is beneficial,
while
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 others think that
children
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 should not have access to them.
Although
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 mobile
phones
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 can be useful for communication and education, I believe that
children
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 should only be given them at an appropriate age and with clear limits.
Body paragraph 1
On the one hand, there are several advantages to giving
children
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 mobile
phones
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. The most important benefit is that
parents
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 can easily contact their
children
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, especially in emergencies.
For example
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, if a child is travelling home from school alone or becomes lost, they can immediately call their
parents
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 for help.
In addition
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, smartphones can be useful educational tools.
Children
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 can
use
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 learning applications, online dictionaries and educational videos to support their studies. Mobile
phones
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 may
also
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 help young people become familiar with technology, which is an important skill in modern society.
Body paragraph 2
On the other hand
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, there are
also
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 significant disadvantages.
Children
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 may become addicted to their
phones
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 and spend too much time playing games, watching videos or using social media.
As a result
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, they may spend less time studying, exercising or communicating with family members face to face. Another concern is online safety. Young
children
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 may be exposed to inappropriate content, cyberbullying or strangers on social media.
Furthermore
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, excessive
use
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 of mobile
phones
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, particularly before bedtime, can negatively affect
children
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's sleeping habits and concentration.
Body paragraph 3
In my opinion, completely preventing
children
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 from using mobile
phones
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 is unrealistic because technology is now an important part of everyday life.
However
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,
parents
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 should not give smartphones to
children
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 without supervision. They should set limits on screen time, control the applications their
children
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use
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 and teach them how to behave safely online.
Conclusion
In conclusion, mobile
phones
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 can provide
children
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 with greater safety and educational opportunities, but they can
also
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 create problems
such
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 as addiction and exposure to harmful online content.
Therefore
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, I believe
children
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 can have mobile
phones
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 as long as their
parents
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 carefully supervise their
use
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.

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task response
You discuss both sides clearly and give your own view. To make the answer even stronger, say more clearly what “the right age” means, and explain why this age is best.
task response
Your main ideas are good and stay on the topic. Add one more real example of how a parent can set phone rules, such as no phone use at meals or before sleep.
task response
Your view is clear from the start and stays the same to the end. You could make it more direct by saying that a simple phone may be better for younger children than a smart phone.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear shape: start, two main parts, your view, and an ending. Each paragraph has one main idea, which makes it easy to read.
coherence and cohesion
You use linking words well, such as “On the one hand”, “As a result”, and “Furthermore”. Try not to use too many links in one paragraph; sometimes a short direct sentence is stronger.
coherence and cohesion
The ideas move in a clear order. You can make the link to your final view even smoother by starting the opinion paragraph with a line such as: “For this reason, parents should guide phone use rather than ban it.”}],
Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • phone
  • child
  • parent
  • safety
  • risk
  • rule
  • limit
  • time
  • school
  • home
  • call
  • text
  • help
  • learn
  • apps
  • plan
  • money
  • online
  • talk
  • safe
  • care
  • family
  • trust
  • danger
  • choose
  • use
  • balance
  • screen
  • emergency
  • contact
  • education
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