IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 3.5

Some parents think it is good to give their children mobile phones while others disagree. Discuss both views and give your opinion.

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Introduction
In recent years,many people believe that it is good to give their
children
Use synonyms
 mobile
phones
Use synonyms
,
while
Linking Words
 others think that it is a bad idea.
This
Linking Words
 essay will examine both perspectives before offering my own opinion.
Although
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 both arguments have their merits.I firmly believe that
children
Use synonyms
 should have
mobile
Correct article usage
a mobile
show examples
 phone.
Body paragraph 1
On one
hand
Add a comma
hand,
show examples
 those who advocate for giving
children
Use synonyms
 mobile
phonoes
Correct your spelling
phones
 argue that it is benefical on many ways.
Such
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 as
,
Punctuation problem
apply
show examples
 education,
entretainment
Correct your spelling
entertainment
,and
communction
Correct your spelling
communication
.Many families give their
children
Use synonyms
 mobile
phones
Use synonyms
 to
comuncate
Correct your spelling
communicate
 with each other.
For instance
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,if a girl goes
school
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to school
show examples
 and
want
Correct subject-verb agreement
wants
show examples
 to go home ,she can call her parents.
In addition
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,mobile
phones
Use synonyms
 can provide
usuful
Correct your spelling
useful
 ways to study.
For example
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,
If
Fix capitalization
if
show examples
 a student
stuggle
Correct subject-verb agreement
struggles
show examples
 with any question ,the student can see the explanation in his mobile phone.
Body paragraph 2
On the other hand
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,many who hold the belief that
children
Use synonyms
 should not have mobile
phones
Use synonyms
emphsaise
Correct your spelling
emphasise
 that it is dangerous
to the
Change preposition
for
show examples
children
Use synonyms
have
Verb problem
to have
show examples
 mobile
phones
Use synonyms
.
In addition
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,many parents think
the
Correct article usage
their
show examples
children
Use synonyms
 might get robbed.
For instance
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,if a child
want
Correct subject-verb agreement
wants
show examples
 to buy
somthing
Correct your spelling
something
 on an
application online
Correct word order
online application
show examples
,the
applicaton
Correct your spelling
application
 might not exist
and
Punctuation problem
, and
show examples
 the child
get
Correct subject-verb agreement
gets
show examples
 robbed.
Furthermore
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,many families believe that mobile
phones
Use synonyms
destract
Correct your spelling
distract
children
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to study
Change preposition
from studying
show examples
.
For example
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,
is
Correct word choice
if
show examples
 a child in a
praimry
Correct your spelling
primary
 school has
exam
Correct article usage
an exam
show examples
,he might play on his mobile phone and forget to study,which affect on his future.
Conclusion
To sum up
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,
while
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 there are valid arguments on both sides,I firmly believe that
children
Use synonyms
 should have mobile
phones
Use synonyms
the
Punctuation problem
. The
show examples
 reasons outlined above clearly
demonstrates
Correct subject-verb agreement
demonstrate
show examples
 that their parents should monitor their
children
Use synonyms
.

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task response
You discuss both sides and give your own view. To improve, explain your main view more fully: say why the good points are more important than the bad points.
task response
Your ideas are relevant, but some examples are not clear. For example, explain how a phone helps a child learn, and why this is useful in school.
task response
Be careful with the safety point. A fake online app is possible, but it does not clearly show that a child will be robbed. Use a more direct example, such as strangers online or too much screen time.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear start, two main body parts, and an ending. Keep this plan, but make each body part begin with one clear main idea.
coherence and cohesion
Use linking words in a more natural way. Do not start many sentences with 'For example' or 'In addition'. You can also use 'This means that' to explain the example.
coherence and cohesion
Some sentences are hard to follow because of word order and missing words. Write shorter sentences and check that each sentence has a clear subject and verb.
coherence and cohesion
In the ending, state your view clearly and give one short reason. The last sentence about parents watching children is useful, but it should be linked to your view earlier in the essay.
task response
You answer all parts of the question: you present reasons for giving phones, reasons against them, and your own view.
coherence and cohesion
The essay is easy to follow because it uses 'On one hand', 'On the other hand', and 'To sum up'.
task response
You use examples from school, home, online buying, and study. These help show what you mean.
Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • phone
  • child
  • parent
  • safety
  • risk
  • rule
  • limit
  • time
  • school
  • home
  • call
  • text
  • help
  • learn
  • apps
  • plan
  • money
  • online
  • talk
  • safe
  • care
  • family
  • trust
  • danger
  • choose
  • use
  • balance
  • screen
  • emergency
  • contact
  • education
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