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Band 5

People are reading fewer books than ever before What are the causes of this? What measures can be taken to address it?

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Introduction
Nowadays, the majority of
people
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 are reading fewer
books
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 than they ever did. Many believe it is
due to
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 the evolution of technology, which is the main cause of
this
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.
Secondly
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, digital
entertainment
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 services are more pleasing to them. To address these issues, institutions should assign a reward system to encourage more
students
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 to read
books
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, and they could assign entertaining material like comic
books
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 to build a reading habit.
Body paragraph 1
Firstly
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, the main causes for more teenagers
are becoming fewer readers is
Correct word order
becoming less interested in reading are
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 that, with the introduction of social media platforms and the evolution of technology, digital gadgets, there are new ways to entertain teenagers
like
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, like
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 interactive
entertainment
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, and virtual reality video
games
Punctuation problem
games,
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 in which teens are more addicted. 
Secondly
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, online streaming
entertainment
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 platforms are more entertaining than any
top rated
Correct your spelling
top-rated
author
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author's
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books
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 ever could
.
Verb problem
be.
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Furthermore
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, with digital streaming like Hulu, Prime Video,
Netflix
Correct word choice
and Netflix
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, these offer more
entertainment
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 options across different content options and additional foreign language content
which
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, which
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 gets more excitement
by
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from
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 the young generation.
For example
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, Korean music and series are most watched by young
people
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 than any other demographic group.
Body paragraph 2
On the other hand
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, to resolve
this
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 lack of book readers and encourage more reading, institutions could develop a new strategy for
students
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 to get a free grade. Schools can offer a positive reinforcement reward system in which
students
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 read one book each week and present their findings by
making
Verb problem
creating
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 content around it.
Moreover
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, in
this
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way
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way,
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students
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 can be made aware of new and creative ideas execution and build a habit for reading
while
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 making it both interactive and entertaining for the
people
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.
Secondly
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, many schools could assign more entertaining material, like comic
books
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, to build habits.
Also
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, in
this
Linking Words
way
Add a comma
way,
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students
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 would be encouraged to do their homework and complete their reading material before
due
Correct article usage
the due
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 date.
Conclusion
In conclusion, there are several causes that drive the lack of reading
but
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, but
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on the other hand
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, there are some solutions
if
Correct pronoun usage
that, if
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implemented
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implemented,
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 can drive an increase in reading among
people
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.

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Task response
Answer both parts in a more even way. The causes are clear, but the fixes are mostly for schools and young people. Add ideas for homes, public places, and book shops, so the answer fits all people.
Task response
Make each main idea more clear and fully explained. For example, say why short video and TV make books less common: they are fast, easy, and need less time and focus.
Task response
Use examples that show the point well. The example about Korean music and shows does not directly show why people read less. Give an example of a student choosing a short video or a TV show instead of a book.
Task response
Some claims are too strong. Instead of saying online shows are more fun than any book, use softer words such as "often" or "for some young people".
Coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear start, two main body parts, and an ending. Keep this plan, but make the first body paragraph focus only on causes and the second only on fixes.
Coherence and cohesion
Use clearer topic sentences. For example: "There are two main reasons why people read fewer books." Then state one cause in each part of the paragraph.
Coherence and cohesion
Link ideas with simple, exact words. Use "One reason", "Another reason", "As a result", and "For example". Do not use "Secondly" many times in the same way.
Coherence and cohesion
Avoid long sentences with many ideas. Break them into two or three short sentences. This will make your meaning easier to follow.
Coherence and cohesion
Use the same words for the same group. You move between "people", "teenagers", "students", and "young generation". Choose one group when you mean one group.
Task response
You answer both the causes and the ways to help. Your main ideas about technology, online fun, rewards, and comic books are on the topic.
Coherence and cohesion
The essay is easy to follow at a high level. You use paragraphs and clear signposts such as "Firstly", "On the other hand", and "In conclusion".
Task response
The school reward idea is useful and has a clear plan: read a book, then share what was learned. This makes the fix more active.
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