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Band 6

University students are increasingly studying abroad as part of their studies. Do the advantages of studying abroad overweighs the disadvantages?

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Introduction
The number of students studying abroad has increased significantly, as
this
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 is related to their studies. I believe that the advantages of
this
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 phenomenon outweigh the disadvantages, which I will elaborate on in my essay below.
Body paragraph 1
Looking first at the merits, we can believe that studying abroad is actually one of many opportunities to develop the skills we have, since many
people
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 nowadays feel that their home universities tend not to offer the lessons that companies need.
For instance
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, Indonesia's top-ten universities still do not conduct social data science, which is the study of artificial intelligence in human behaviour, political trends, and public policy.
In addition
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, studying abroad might increase human resources, especially for those who graduate from prestigious universities. These institutions tend to strictly supervise students to be serious in their studies.
This
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 could be
by
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achieved by
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 giving them a variety of assignments in order to gain insight into almost everything around the world.
As a result
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, once they come home, they easily dominate the conversation among
people
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 and understand every aspect and the connections.
Body paragraph 2
Moving to the demerits, it appears that the nationality issue can be seen as the primary drawback of
this
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 situation.
People
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 who move overseas to study and already have a distinguished career find that they do not want to come back to their home country, since leaving the place they live in means they must leave their prestigious and long-lasting career, high monthly salary, and luxurious life to enhance their neighbourhood communities and start from the very beginning.
Moreover
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, some
people
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 tend to have mental issues caused by cultural adaptation, in which sometimes other cultures do not resonate with those
people
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, making them feel out of place and divided.
As a result
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, they are not able to find a connection for a bright career.
Conclusion
To conclude
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,
while
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 some demerits must be considered
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such
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, such
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 as the nationality problem and mental health, it seems that the advantages through opportunities and increasing human resources are so lucrative.
This
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 leads each individual to realise that studying abroad can be a better option.

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task response
Give a clearer answer in the first paragraph. Say why the good points are stronger than the bad points, not only that you think so.
task response
Explain the main good point more fully. Show how study abroad gives skills that students cannot get at home, and how these skills help them after they return.
task response
The example about data science is useful, but make it more direct. Explain why this subject is needed for jobs and why study in another country is the best way to learn it.
task response
The point about students not coming home is good, but it needs a clearer link to the question. Explain how this can hurt the home country, such as by taking skilled workers away.
task response
Do not make claims that are too wide, such as students understanding every part of the world. Use smaller, more real claims.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear four-part shape: opening, good points, bad points, and ending. Keep this shape.
coherence and cohesion
Start each body paragraph with one clear main idea. The first body paragraph has several ideas, so split it or make the link between them clearer.
coherence and cohesion
Use linking words with care. Phrases such as “As a result” should show a real cause and result. In some places, the result does not follow clearly from the point before it.
coherence and cohesion
Make the final paragraph more direct. Restate the two sides, then clearly say why the good points are more important than the bad points.
coherence and cohesion
Leave a space after each full stop. This will make the text easier to read.
task response
You answer both sides of the question and give a clear view that study abroad has more good points than bad points.
task response
You use a real example about university courses in Indonesia, which helps make your ideas less general.
coherence and cohesion
The essay is easy to follow because it moves from good points to bad points and then ends with your view.
coherence and cohesion
Words such as “For instance”, “In addition”, “Moreover”, and “To conclude” help show the order of your ideas.
Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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