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Writing Samples
Band 4

Some people say that in the digital age, theatres and cinemas are no longer important as people can watch all the entertainment they want online. Others argue that theatres and cinemas are Still important both economically and culturally. Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.

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Introduction
It is believed that in the digital age,
theatres
Use synonyms
 and cinemas are not important because society members may easily watch the entire entertainment they want online.
However
Linking Words
, some argue that these artistic activities are still extremely important both financially and culturally.
This
Linking Words
 essay discusses both sides and states my opinion.
Body paragraph 1
To begin
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 with, with recent advances in
technology
Add a comma
technology,
show examples
 it has become significantly easier to access almost any film or
Use synonyms
theatres
Check wording
theatre
show examples
 online.
This
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 may seem more convenient compared to actually visiting
theatres
Use synonyms
 os cinemas in person.
Therefore
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,
majority
Correct article usage
the majority
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 of
people
Use synonyms
 prefer to stay in their
comfort-zones
Correct your spelling
comfort zones
 and
makes
Correct subject-verb agreement
make
show examples
 an appearance online
instead
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.
This
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 is way more beneficial for
people
Use synonyms
 with anxiety and still provides enough entertainment for those who struggle to leave home.
Body paragraph 2
On the other hand
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,
this
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 decreases
the
Correct article usage
apply
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social interaction and prevents
people
Use synonyms
 from getting to know each other better. Especially,
this
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 matter is extremely important for
people
Use synonyms
 who are already fighting antisocial personality disorder or anxiety. So, a logical solution may be to
visiting
Wrong verb form
visit
show examples
theatres
Use synonyms
 or cinemas.
This
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 will
increase
Use synonyms
 the economy and cultural awareness.
For example
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, if a person with anxiety meets a businessman at a theatre, they can start a logical business in order to help
people
Use synonyms
 with psychological disabilities.
Hence
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,
this
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 facility will
increase
Use synonyms
 the economy with the taxes and will
increase
Use synonyms
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
cultural interaction.
Conclusion
To sum up
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, actually visiting the places
instead
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 of watching online may result in better community awareness and will definitely
increase
Use synonyms
 the
economical
Replace the word
economic
 web.
Therefore
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,
people
Use synonyms
 should be encouraged to visit these saloons.

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task response
You discuss both views and give your own view. However, the first view needs more detail. Explain why online shows are cheap, easy to use, and available at any time.
task response
Keep your main ideas close to the question. The example about a person with anxiety meeting a businessman does not clearly show why theatres and cinemas help the economy or culture.
task response
Give a clearer opinion. For example: online viewing is useful, but theatres and cinemas are still important because they create jobs and give people shared cultural events.
task response
Use stronger, more real examples. You could write about ticket sales, jobs for staff, local food shops, live shows, films, and shared time with family or friends.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear start, two main body parts, and an ending. This is a good basic shape. Make each body part focus on one main idea.
coherence and cohesion
Some links between ideas are not clear. For example, the move from anxiety to the economy is too fast. Add clear steps: cinemas bring visitors; visitors spend money; this helps local jobs and tax money.
coherence and cohesion
Use linking words with care. Words such as 'however', 'therefore', 'for example', and 'as a result' can help, but make sure the next sentence really follows the first one.
coherence and cohesion
Check word choice because a few words make the meaning unclear. Use 'films and plays online', not 'any film or theatres online'; use 'go online', not 'make an appearance online'; and use 'cinemas', not 'saloons'.
task response
You answer both parts of the question and clearly support visits to theatres and cinemas.
coherence and cohesion
The introduction tells the reader what the essay will discuss, and the ending gives your final view.
coherence and cohesion
You use paragraph breaks and basic linking words to guide the reader through your ideas.
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