IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5.5

Many countries spend a lot of money preparing competitors to take part in major sports competitions such as the Olympics, the football World Cup etc. It would be better to spend this money encouraging children to take up sport from a young age. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

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Introduction
Many countries allocate a large amount of cash to preparing adventure athletes for special events
such
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 as the World Cup and the Olympics.
However
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, it is more necessary to spend
this
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 money encouraging children to take up sports from their childhood.
This
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 essay will show why I personally believe in
this
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 option.
Body paragraph 1
On the one hand, I do not believe that spending payment on preparing professional competitors for some special events,
such
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 as the Olympics or the World Cup, is definitely unnecessary.
This
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 is because
,
Punctuation problem
apply
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 if our competitors achieve success in
such
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 international competitions, it can enhance our country's reputation and fame.
Moreover
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,
such
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 success can drive the young population to take up the same sport.
For instance
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, when a famous athlete wins in chempionship, the tribe become interested in following
such
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 athletics.
Body paragraph 2
On the other hand
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,
however
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, I personally agree that governments should spend a large amount of money on encouraging
young
Correct article usage
the young
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 population to attend sports from an early age.
This
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 is because children who take up any sport, they to have a healthier lifestyle and they will not suffer from some disease,
such
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 as obesity , in the future.
In addition
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, participating in an enterprise can improve
their
Fix the agreement mistake
one's
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 discipline skill at life.
As a result
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, they will become an organised person in the future.
Conclusion
To sum up
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,
although
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 investing in preparing competitors for special events may increase a country's fame, I firmly believe that it is more necessary for society to invest
this
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 money in driving youngsters to attend sports, since we can build a healthier lifestyle for future generations.

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task response
You give a clear view: money should mainly help children play sport. You also show the other side, so the answer is complete.
task response
Make your main idea more exact. Say that money should not stop going to top sports people, but more money should go to sport at school and in local areas.
task response
Build each point more. For example, explain how free school clubs, safe play areas, and trained teachers can help more children play sport.
task response
Your example is too general. Give one clear case, such as a child seeing an Olympic winner and then joining a local running club.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear start, two main parts, and an end. This makes it easy to follow.
coherence and cohesion
Use the first main part to say why some money for top sports is still useful. Then use the next part to explain why children should get more help. This order works well.
coherence and cohesion
Some sentences are hard to follow because the words do not fit the idea. For example, use “professional athletes” not “adventure athletes”, “sport events” not “special events”, and “taking part in sport” not “attend sports”.
coherence and cohesion
Make links between ideas smoother. You can use: “First”, “Also”, “For example”, “However”, and “As a result”. Do not use too many link words in one sentence.
coherence and cohesion
Keep the same key words. Use “children”, “young people”, or “future adults” instead of changing to “tribe” or “young population”.
task response
You answer the question directly and state your own view in both the start and the end.
task response
You include two useful ideas: top sports wins can make people proud, while sport for children can lead to better health.
coherence and cohesion
The four-part shape is clear: start, one side, your main view, and end.
coherence and cohesion
The words “On the one hand”, “On the other hand”, and “To sum up” help show the main parts of your answer.
Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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