IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5.5

Doctors should be responsible for educating their patients about how to improve their health. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

✍️ Want to check your own essay?Write on this topic →
Introduction
Doctors
Use synonyms
 play a crucial role in assisting their
patients
Use synonyms
 to understand and maintain their
health
Use synonyms
. Like most
people
Add a comma
people,
show examples
 I am of the idea that healthcare professionals must navigate and educate their
patients
Use synonyms
 about well-being. Certainly,
this
Linking Words
 notion shouldn't be misinterpreted as physicians being the sole responsible person for other individuals'
health
Use synonyms
, when the final decision to follow
health
Use synonyms
 recommendations
are
Correct subject-verb agreement
is
show examples
 made by
patients
Use synonyms
.
Body paragraph 1
Firstly
Linking Words
,
doctors
Use synonyms
 are more uniquely qualified to provide accurate and evidence-based
health
Use synonyms
 advice than an ordinary person. In an age when people are constantly exposed to misleading information through social media and websites in which personal claims might be reflected as correct
facts
Add a comma
facts,
show examples
 it is quite difficult to distinguish between what is right and what is wrong.
In contrast
Linking Words
,
doctors
Use synonyms
 have received extensive training and education in areas
such
Linking Words
 as disease prevention
,
Correct word choice
and
show examples
 risk factors
and prevention
Check wording
apply
show examples
.
Consequently
Linking Words
, they are able to translate complex medical information into
every day
Correct your spelling
everyday
 language in order to help others to grasp medical recommendations and
utilize
Correct pronoun usage
utilise them
show examples
 in
every day
Correct your spelling
everyday
 life.
Body paragraph 2
Secondly
Linking Words
, educating
patients
Use synonyms
 can encourage them to adopt healthier lifestyles
which
Punctuation problem
, which
show examples
 in
return
Use the right word
turn
show examples
 can benefit
doctors
Use synonyms
. Conditions
such
Linking Words
 as obesity, high blood pressure and diabetes
that
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
are influenced by daily routine choices. When healthcare professionals explain the consequences of unhealthy actions
people
Punctuation problem
, people
show examples
 become more motivated to alter that
behavior
Change the spelling
behaviour
show examples
.
Nevertheless
Linking Words
,
doctors
Use synonyms
 can't control what their clients do outside the medical environment.
Therefore
Linking Words
, healthcare should be a mutual partnership between both sides.
Conclusion
In conclusion, I strongly agree that
doctors
Use synonyms
 should educate their
patients
Use synonyms
 about improving their
health
Use synonyms
. Their expertise enables them to provide trustworthy and
personalized
Change the spelling
personalised
show examples
 advice,
while
Linking Words
health
Use synonyms
 education can promote disease prevention.
However
Linking Words
,
patients
Use synonyms
 themselves must remain responsible for putting
this
Linking Words
 advice into practice.

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site's author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task response
Make your view even more direct in the first paragraph. Say clearly that doctors should teach patients, but patients must make the final choices.
task response
Develop the second main point more fully. Explain how teaching may lower the number of health problems and help people live better, not only help doctors.
task response
Use one clear real-life example. For example, a doctor can show a patient with high blood pressure how less salt, more walks, and taking medicine can help.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear order: your view, two main points, then a conclusion. Keep this simple four-part plan.
coherence and cohesion
Make each body paragraph start with one clear main idea, then add an explanation and an example. This will make your support easier to follow.
coherence and cohesion
Use linking words with care. ‘In contrast’, ‘Consequently’, and ‘Therefore’ work well. Do not use too many, and make sure each one shows the right link.
coherence and cohesion
Some sentences need to be complete so the flow is smoother. For example, change ‘Conditions such as obesity, high blood pressure and diabetes that are influenced...’ to ‘Conditions such as obesity, high blood pressure, and diabetes are influenced...’
coherence and cohesion
Avoid repeating ‘every day’. Use ‘daily life’ in one place, or remove the second use.
task response
You answer the full question and give a clear view from the start. You also show the important balance between a doctor’s role and a patient’s own duty.
task response
Your point about false health ideas on social media is useful and closely linked to the question.
coherence and cohesion
The essay is easy to follow, with a clear introduction, two body paragraphs, and a conclusion.
coherence and cohesion
The conclusion returns to your main view and sums up both sides in a clear way.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • holistic approach
  • preventive measures
  • chronic diseases
  • medical interventions
  • healthcare professionals
  • consultations
  • dietitians
  • health educators
  • literacy skills
  • visual aids
  • digital tools
  • reputable online resources
  • community programs
  • ongoing support
  • patient outcomes
  • initial guidance
  • mitigated
  • follow-up consultations
What to do next:
Look at other essays: