IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

A recent study showed people in developed countries are not as happy as they were before development. What are the causes of this and what are some possible solutions?

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Introduction
Studies have
showed
Wrong verb form
shown
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 that
,
Correct determiner usage
the
show examples
 happiness factor of people has significantly dropped in developed countries. Individuals were happier before the evolution of their nation. I will engage in a detailed analysis of
this
Linking Words
 subject, identifying the root causes and proposing solutions in the subsequent paragraphs.
Body paragraph 1
First and foremost,
progressed
Correct word choice
developed
show examples
 nations possess
highly
Correct article usage
a highly
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 competitive environment,
work places
Correct your spelling
workplaces
 demand
efficiency
Correct article usage
an efficiency
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 hike,
day
Use synonyms
 to
day
Use synonyms
life
Use synonyms
 is super hectic. In most of the cases, urban
life
Use synonyms
 is full of traffic congestion
Linking Words
therefore
Punctuation problem
; therefore
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even
Punctuation problem
, even
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 surrounding creates certain type of pressure on individuals.
Work
Correct your spelling
Work-life
life
Use synonyms
 balance protocols are often compromised, which
consequently
Linking Words
 damage employee`s wellbeing. Family
life
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 often
suffer
Correct subject-verb agreement
suffers
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due to
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 job- or business-related commitments.
Organizations
Change the spelling
Organisations
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 usually
under pay
Correct your spelling
underpay
 their workers,
cost
Correct article usage
the cost
show examples
 of living in financial hubs
are
Correct subject-verb agreement
is
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 usually high
which
Punctuation problem
, which
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make
Correct subject-verb agreement
makes
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 the matter
worst
Replace the word
worse
 for the staff who`s earning is moderate.
Body paragraph 2
However
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, there are
few
Correct article usage
a few
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 practical ways to enhance
happiness
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the happiness
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 factor among people of fully developed countries. One pertinent solution is that
,
Punctuation problem
apply
show examples
 the government have to ensure that
work
Correct your spelling
work-life
life
Use synonyms
 balance protocols are strictly followed both by employees and
organizations
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organisations
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.
Business
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Businesses
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 should follow
smart
Correct article usage
a smart
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time table
Correct your spelling
timetable
 to make
most
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the most
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 of daylight.
Government
Correct article usage
The government
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 at large and individuals
at
Change preposition
on
show examples
 their own have to ensure cities are not
over crowded
Correct your spelling
overcrowded
, and overcome different ways of pollution. Authorities should have strict
check
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checks
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 and
balance
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balances
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 on the wages of employees.
For example
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, in
America
Add a comma
America,
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 enterprises must
have to
Verb problem
apply
show examples
ensure to pay salaries to their employees
according to
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federal
Correct article usage
the federal
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 minimum
wages
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wage
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 law.
Conclusion
In recapitulation,
although
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 competitiveness is not a bad trend in society to follow
Linking Words
however
Punctuation problem
, however
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, in
progressed
Replace the word
progressive
 nations it has
tendency
Correct article usage
a tendency
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 to affect the
Use synonyms
day to
Correct your spelling
day-to-day
day
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 and professional
life
Use synonyms
 of human beings. Government and
societies
Check wording
society's
show examples
 decision makers must take steps to design and
implicate
Verb problem
implement
show examples
 the system to priorities mantle health.

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task response
You answer both parts of the question: causes and solutions. To make your ideas stronger, explain each cause more fully. For example, show how long work hours can lead to less time for sleep, family, and friends.
task response
Some ideas are too wide or not fully clear. The point about cities not being over crowded needs a clear link to happiness and a real way the government can do this.
task response
Use more direct examples. The example about pay in America is useful, but explain how fair pay can reduce worry about rent, food, and other daily needs.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear order: introduction, causes, solutions, and ending. Keep one main idea in each body paragraph and add clear support after it.
coherence and cohesion
Some sentences join many ideas without clear links. Break them into shorter sentences. This will make the meaning easier to follow.
coherence and cohesion
Use simple link words carefully, such as “because”, “as a result”, “for example”, and “therefore”. Avoid using many formal phrases when a simple sentence is clearer.
coherence and cohesion
Make the ending more direct. State the main causes and the main solutions again in clear words, rather than adding new or unclear ideas.
task response
You give clear main causes, including work pressure, traffic, high living costs, and less family time.
task response
You offer practical solutions, such as better work-life balance, less crowding and pollution, and fair pay.
coherence and cohesion
The essay uses separate paragraphs for causes and solutions, so the reader can follow the main plan.
coherence and cohesion
The introduction and ending are both present, and they match the main topic.
Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • urbanization
  • technological advancements
  • social isolation
  • communication tools
  • work-related stress
  • material wealth
  • consumerism
  • economic status
  • meaningful experiences
  • relationships
  • environmental concerns
  • pollution
  • climate change
  • overpopulation
  • mental health
  • sedentary lifestyles
  • physical health
  • mental health problems
  • anxiety
  • helplessness
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