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Writing Samples
Band 5

The pie chart compares the average household spending in two different countries in terms of five important categories in 2010.

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The pie chart compares the average household spending in two different countries in terms of five important categories in 2010.
The presented figures demonstrate a clear comparison
about
Change preposition
of
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 the median household
expenditure
Use synonyms
 in Japan and Malaysia across various essential expenses and
services
Use synonyms
 throughout 2010. The units are measured in percentages.
Overall
Linking Words
, housing accounted for the dominant proportion of
house
Check wording
household
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 spending among all other categories in Malaysia,
whereas
Linking Words
 other goods and
services
Use synonyms
 constituted the highest percentage in Japan.
Additionally
Linking Words
,
rates
Correct article usage
the rates
show examples
 of food in both countries were close to each other.
On the other hand
Linking Words
, the variation in medical care and transport between the two nations
were
Correct subject-verb agreement
was
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 extremely significant
,
Punctuation problem
;
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 Japan's figures in these portions were double than in Malaysia.
According to
Linking Words
 the provided pie charts, accommodation shaped 34% of Malaysian households' spending, followed by food, which was 27% of total
expenditure
Use synonyms
,
then
Linking Words
 other commodities and
services
Use synonyms
 that had a portion of 26%.
Thereafter
Linking Words
, medical care was recorded as the lowest in spending, accounting for only 3 per cent of the
overall
Linking Words
 spending.
Furthermore
Linking Words
, goods and
services
Use synonyms
 were marked as the highest percentage of Japanese households'
expenditure
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, with approximately 30% of total
expenditure
Use synonyms
,
whereas
Linking Words
 health care constituted the smallest proportion, which was 6%.

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Linking words: Don't use the same linking words: "overall, whereas".
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Introduction: The introduction is missing.
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Introduction: The chart intro is missing.
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Introduction: The chart intro is missing.
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Vocabulary: Replace the words expenditure, services with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: The word "figures" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "figures" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "percentages" was used 3 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "proportion" was used 2 times.
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