A recent study showed people in developed countries are not as happy as they were before development. What are the causes of this and what are some possible solutions?

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Introduction
There is no doubt that many modern societies are unhappy and suffering from depression, despite the fact that they are enjoying
a
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apply
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greatly developed facilities.
This
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essay will
ilustrate
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illustrate
the reasons behind
this
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phenomenon and will suggest some effective solutions to overcome
this
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issue.
Body paragraph 1
To initiate with the main reasons, it is obvious that the fast
rythm
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rhythm
of life
,
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has made numerous people unable to enjoy their moments.
For instance
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, in the past
families
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, families
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used to gather and enjoy sharing meals
togather
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together
. At the
mean
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same
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time, it is
unpractical
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impractical
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for many families to have meals in one place. Another reason can be the replacement of social media with
the
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real communication between individuals. Most of the relationships on the social applications are lacking
of
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the strength of the presence of feelings
betwwen
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between
the comunity member.
Unfortunately
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Unfortunately,
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most of them are presenting an
exagurated
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exaggerated
and unreal image of themselves on
such
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accounts.
This
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has definitely led to
unsecure
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insecure
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relations and an increase
of the
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in
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psychological disorders among multiple categories of the community.
Body paragraph 2
Solutions for
such
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complicated and multifactors issue
,
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need the cooperation between individuals and local
organizations
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organisations
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. Spending good quality moments with family members and friends during weekends can absolutely enhance our mood.
This
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solution is practical and does not require any effort, but its outcome is noticeable.
In addition
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,
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legalising
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some restrictions on
the
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apply
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social media use would be a great favour
to be done
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to the new generation.
Such
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unlimited exposure to
this
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sort of communication
,
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apply
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can be regulated to reduce its adverse effect on young adults.
Conclusion
To conclude
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, it is essential to create real moments between family members and try to relax when it comes to social media, to be satisfied
about
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with
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our lives like our grandparents.

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task response
You answer both parts of the task: you give causes and ways to help. To make your ideas stronger, explain each cause in more depth. For example, show how long work hours can stop people from resting, seeing family, and feeling happy.
task response
Your points about family time and social media are on topic. Add one more clear cause, such as high living costs or stress at work, and give a real example for each main point.
task response
Make the social media solution more clear. Say who should make the rules, what the rules are, and how they can help young people. For example, schools could teach safe use, and parents could set time limits.
coherence and cohesion
The essay has a clear four-part shape: opening, causes, solutions, and ending. Keep this shape, but begin each body part with a short, clear main idea sentence.
coherence and cohesion
Some links between ideas are not smooth. Use simple linking words carefully, such as "First", "For example", "Also", "As a result", and "In conclusion". Do not use too many at the start of every sentence.
coherence and cohesion
Make sure that each example clearly supports the point before it. In the first body part, the family meal example supports busy life well; explain the link more clearly by saying that people have less time to talk and support each other.
coherence and cohesion
Use clear words for people and ideas. Instead of "this sort of communication", repeat "social media" when needed. This will help the reader follow your meaning.
task response
You deal with the main question fully by discussing both causes and possible solutions.
task response
The ideas about busy lives, less family time, and social media are relevant and easy to understand.
coherence and cohesion
Your paragraphs are in a sensible order, and the final paragraph brings the main ideas together.
coherence and cohesion
You use examples, such as families eating together in the past, to make your points more real.
Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example
Topic Vocabulary:
  • urbanization
  • technological advancements
  • social isolation
  • communication tools
  • work-related stress
  • material wealth
  • consumerism
  • economic status
  • meaningful experiences
  • relationships
  • environmental concerns
  • pollution
  • climate change
  • overpopulation
  • mental health
  • sedentary lifestyles
  • physical health
  • mental health problems
  • anxiety
  • helplessness
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