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Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Children are facing more pressures nowadays from academic, social and commercial perspectives. What are the causes of these pressures What measures should be taken to reduce this pressure

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Introduction
With the development of novel technology and tendencies, young learners are given unrealistic academic goals
along with
Linking Words
 communal and economic prospects to secure competitive living
conditions
Use synonyms
 in their future
life
Fix the agreement mistake
lives
show examples
. From my perspective, extravagant academic pathways
digital
Correct word choice
and digital
show examples
 distractions in the present context
,
Punctuation problem
apply
show examples
pave the way for them to experience
such
Linking Words
devasting
Correct your spelling
devastating
conditions
Use synonyms
, and workable solutions and
pre cautionary
Correct your spelling
precautionary
 methods should be taken to address
Linking Words
this
Fix the agreement mistake
these
show examples
 pressing issues.
Body paragraph 1
To begin
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, more pathetically,
result oriented
Correct your spelling
result-oriented
 living
conditions
Use synonyms
 in the present context
,
Punctuation problem
apply
show examples
 tend to demand
high end
Correct your spelling
high-end
 academic
qualification
Check wording
qualifications
show examples
, which obviously cost a fortune.
As a result
Linking Words
, students are given a high degree of academic pressure and unrealistic targets by their facilitators and parents
Linking Words
along
Punctuation problem
, along
show examples
 with
extra curricular
Correct your spelling
extracurricular
 activities,which apparently cause
time
Use synonyms
managment
Correct your spelling
management
 issues, which lead them to
improve
Wrong verb form
increased
show examples
 anxiety and depression. Apart from that, peer pressure and digital distractions lead youngsters to lose
their
Correct determiner usage
apply
show examples
focus on their academic
career
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careers
show examples
.
For example
Linking Words
,
according to
Linking Words
 global crime rates, a considerable
rate
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number
show examples
 of juveniles across the world
,
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apply
show examples
 fall
victims
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victim
show examples
 to
cyberbulling
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cyberbullying
 and drug abuse,
due to
Linking Words
 their unhealthy engagement in social media platforms.
On the other hand
Linking Words
,
according to
Linking Words
 physicians, most of the young learners
spend
Verb problem
lead
show examples
 sedentary
life styles
Correct your spelling
lifestyles
 and have greatly increased
cronical
Correct your spelling
chronic
 diseases,
such
Linking Words
 as obesity
due to
Linking Words
lack
Correct article usage
a lack
show examples
 of
fittness
Replace the word
fitness
 activities.
Body paragraph 2
It is worth noticing that,
stringet
Correct your spelling
stringent
 action should be taken to mitigate
such
Linking Words
 adverse
conditions
Use synonyms
, unless the future generation would destroy their
valubale
Correct your spelling
valuable
 career. More importantly,
eductaional
Correct your spelling
educational
 professionals, parents and governing authorities ought to
stepforward
Correct your spelling
step forward
 with educational reforms, reducing screen
time
Use synonyms
 and legislative aspects to increase their thorough
supervison
Correct your spelling
supervision
 towards the children.
On the other hand
Linking Words
, students should be given proper
assistant
Replace the word
assistance
 to improve their
time
Use synonyms
managemnet
Correct your spelling
management
 skills, communication skills and cognitive abilities to develop their reasoning
thinking
Correct word choice
and thinking
show examples
 to combat challenges.
For example
Linking Words
, Japanese policy makers have been
ingtroducing
Correct your spelling
introducing
,
Punctuation problem
apply
show examples
 effective
time
Use synonyms
 tables and compulsory physical
avtivities
Correct your spelling
activities
,
Punctuation problem
apply
show examples
 to
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
children even from their primary schools, which resulted
massive
Change preposition
in massive
show examples
 development in student mental health over the past decades.
Conclusion
Looking from an
overall
Linking Words
 perspective, it is evident that ‘Change is inevitable’. In that
aspect
Add a comma
aspect,
show examples
 every communal figure and governing body should
stepforward
Correct your spelling
step forward
 to understand the current situation that
student
Fix the agreement mistake
students
show examples
 cope with.
Hence
Linking Words
, effective awareness programmes should be launched to raise the knowledge of parents to mould their childrens’ characteristics
according to
Linking Words
 the
high end
Correct your spelling
high-end
 education system and social trends. More importantly, suitable
bounderies
Correct your spelling
boundaries
 should be formed to reduce excessive usage of screen
time
Use synonyms
 of the undergraduates to ensure positive thoughts and moral values to support them to conquer the world

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task response
Answer both parts in a more direct way. Give two clear causes, such as high school goals and social media pressure. Then give two clear steps, such as less homework and rules for phone use.
task response
Keep each main idea close to the question. Drug use, crime and health problems are not fully linked to the main point, so explain the link clearly or leave them out.
task response
Use real and clear examples. The points about global crime rates, doctors and Japan are too general. Give one simple example and explain how it shows the cause or the step.
coherence and cohesion
Use a simple four-part plan: introduction, causes, steps, and conclusion. This will make the essay easier to follow.
coherence and cohesion
Start each body paragraph with one clear main idea. Do not put many different ideas in the same paragraph. For example, keep school pressure in one part and online pressure in another.
coherence and cohesion
Use linking words in a clear way: “First”, “Also”, “As a result”, “For example”, and “Therefore”. Some links now do not show a clear reason or result.
coherence and cohesion
Make the last paragraph shorter. It repeats earlier ideas and adds new points about values and world success. End by restating the main causes and steps.
task response
You discuss both causes and ways to help children, so your essay stays on the main topic.
task response
You give useful ideas about school goals, parents, teachers, phone time and exercise.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has an introduction, body paragraphs and a final paragraph.
coherence and cohesion
You try to use examples and reason words such as “As a result” and “For example” to connect ideas.
Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • academic competition
  • peer pressure
  • social media influence
  • advertising targeting
  • balanced lifestyle
  • extracurricular activities
  • mental well-being
  • academic expectations
  • unrealistic standards
  • college applications
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